But,who cares about them. This day is really about these people:

Guys that can’t grow facial hair.

The double-fister.

The chronic duck-facer.

The best friends that can’t coordinate hand signals.

Those that drink Tequila naked.

Filed under: People Tagged: cinco de mayo ]]> http://maridearmas.com/2013/05/06/borderline/feed/ 0 Mari The Dude Double Fister Mexican Duck Face Best Amigas For Life Naked Tequila http://maridearmas.com/2013/04/05/updated-ode-to-diana-krall/ http://maridearmas.com/2013/04/05/updated-ode-to-diana-krall/#comments Fri, 05 Apr 2013 04:01:38 +0000 Mari http://maridearmas.com/?p=3183 ]]> Dear Diana Krall,

It’s been 3 years since my last letter and, as you can imagine, a lot has changed.

I’ve gained some weight. I’ve changed employers. I finally got rid of that horrible Toyota Camry. And, as of this week, I finally saw you live in concert.

I don’t think you noticed me because you invited a shitload of people to join us. (At this point, I would normally apologize for cursing in front of you, but, as I learned at your concert, you are quite the potty mouth too.)

Talk about a surprise party. First, you invite all the residents of Century Village to sit in on my private show. Then you drop a couple of s-words and instantly undo all of the imaginary conversations we’ve had over the years.

What happened to me laying on top of the piano while you played? And, what happened to you playing all my favorite songs? I mean, the new album is nice, but I need a little more Frim Fram Sauce with S’Wonderful on the side. Oh, and why did you bring a gramophone on stage if you weren’t going to use it? I could’ve brought over my record collection. All you had to do was ask.

I know it seems like I’m angry, but I assure you, I’m not. Well. I’m not angry at you. As I’m sure none of this was your fault. It was probably that cold you were fighting, plus you were probably jet lagged. Who knew the combination of Dramamine and Codeine could turn you into someone that you weren’t in my imagination?

When the haze wears off, let’s get together again. But, this time just us, okay? Those old people were annoying as shit.

While you recover, I’ll be watching this video on loop to erase that experience and remember you for who you are not.

Sincerely,

Me

Chapter 2 – Fear of missing out on debauchery by way of alcohol

There are a few seconds of clarity that happen between lifting the toilet seat and expelling my life into the porcelain bowl.

It is during this short time, while my body prepares to release the demons inside, that I retrace my steps.

Also, it’s when I realize that I’ve made it home with only one shoe. It’s when I remember that my credit card is at the bar, holding open a tab. It’s when I understand why I never stood a chance at winning a beer pong tournament against four Swedish tourists. It’s when I suspect that an ugly drag queen spiked my drink, as it is impossible that I got that drunk that fast. It’s when I recognize that suggesting a seedy strip club as the happy hour spot with my co-workers wasn’t the brightest of ideas.

And, it is when I accept the fate of my sickness and pain because what got me on the cold bathroom floor was totally worth it.

In no way am I glorifying alcohol-induced debauchery. It is messy, smelly, and, without a designated couch and/or driver, possibly deadly. But, when it’s done right, it can live in infamy, burned into the remaining brain cells of its participants – and those of some unsuspecting bar patrons.

In my modest estimation, I was the Wilt Chamberlain of these types of nights, which is why I hope to one day create a second volume of “Stories of FOMO,” just for these tales. However, for the purposes of this (dysfunctional) family friendly volume, I’ll take you back to a time when I had a lot of bit too much and still missed out on everything.

( { ( { ( { SUPER WAVY FLASHBACK EFFECT ) } ) } ) }

“Miss! Miss! Wake up! You can’t sleep here.”

I struggled to open my eyes. Maybe it was the 12 hours of drinking. Maybe it was the excessive mascara that made my eye lashes stick together.

Upon regaining consciousness, I focused on the very tall and wide bouncer before me. He was in a dark suit, complete with a customary secret-service-style ear piece and a menacing look on his face.

“You can’t sleep here. I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.”

Behind him I found three familiar faces, not only because I knew them, but also because they looked like the hear no evil, say no evil, speak no evil monkeys. Only one had her mouth completely ajar, the other had his hand on his face, and the third was squinting so hard it looked like he was passing a kidney stone.

It was the party of the year. All of my friends were in attendance at our favorite club to dance, drink, and debauch to the beats of a celebrity guest DJ. Clothes were purchased for this occasion. Money had been saved. VIP tables were reserved. And, I hadn’t been there for more than 7 minutes, five of which I spent passed out on a couch.

“Do I really have to leave?” I asked in a tone that resembled a 10-year-old.

“If you can’t stay awake, you have to leave,” he responded sternly.

At this point, one of my friends took over and assured the club cop that they would take me home.*

*That’s the good thing about homosexuals. In embarrassing situations, they react like seasoned PR professionals, quickly working to cover-up mishaps and disperse a crowd of lookey-loos.

As one of my friends practically carried me out of the club, I looked over my shoulder to take in the night that would’ve been.

“Nooooooo!” I yelled in my mind, as I dramatically stretched out my hand in an attempt to take the disco ball with me.

She eventually stuffed me in a cab and under the light of a street lamp, I looked up at her. She looked like an angel. An angel in black. A sexy angel. I thought it was the appropriate time to tell her that she looked stunning. And, she, before closing the door to the cab said, “You could’ve had me tonight.”

I watched her disappear as the cab pulled away. I wasn’t even sleepy anymore. I was too overwhelmed with FOMO. Too drunk to muster up anger. So, I crossed my arms and slammed my head back into the seat in a failed temper tantrum.

“No vomit in the car!”

“Don’t worry,” I told the driver without looking up. “I’m fine.”

As we picked up speed, the street lights flashed over my face, so I shut my eyes and thought about the events that led me to missing out on this night.

{ ( { WAVY DREAM SEQUENCE EFFECT ) } )

Earlier that day, my alarm woke me at 8. I ran through my morning routine of washing, bathing, and eating. I starred at my closet for 30 minutes, hoping an outfit would jump out and dress me like a vintage Disney movie. I drove to work and performed boring work duties. Then lunch time rolled around, and everything went to shit.

It’s the boss’ birthday they said. We’re closing down early they said. It’s going to be fun they said.

Cars filled to the brim with employees arrived at a lunch establishment. It wasn’t long after that when colorful pitchers of beer, margaritas, and sangria kept appearing, disappearing, and reappearing. The alcohol ignited office sexual tensions, animated the office flirt, and separated the sloppy from the controlled. After three hours, it seemed like we were millions of miles away from the cold, glass building that housed our organizational chart and employee manual.

At one point, the women decided to kiss the boss’ face, effectively marking him with their lipstick. The lady from legal left her mark dangerously close to his lips, while his secretary sat on his lap to comfortably leave her stain on his neck. When it was my turn, I kissed his ear, which made him cringe almost as much as I did.

All of this over the mantra-like chant of the vice president, “What happens here, stays here.”

Not all the mints, gum, and Bath and Body Works splash in the world could cover our collective stench of alcohol. And, not all the espresso-laced Adderall could sober the group. So, after three hours of nonsense, a decision was made to roll the celebratory lunch into an office happy hour.

The cluster of the party moved to the restaurant bar. Cliques were formed, some around the hightop tables, a few others out on the patio, and the remainder saddled up on stools and held on to the ledge of the bar for fear of falling. Drinks were spilled. Laughs were had. And personal space boundaries were non-existant. There was so much to take in. So much potential for wrongness.

I butterflied around, as I customarily do, not to miss out on any of the inappropriate behavior. Despite my haze, my internal census count warned me that I had lost visual on two of my co-workers. Consumed by an uneasy feeling, I went looking for them. I thought perhaps one of them got sick, so I checked the women’s washroom first. I prepared mentally to help the victim, realizing I would have to hold her hair and pat her gently on the back. However, I was not prepared to find them in a compromised position. An incredibly compromised position.

“Are you guys crazy?” I asked as I locked the door behind me.

They giggled loudly, which angered me more. Yes, angered. After all, I was the office lesbian, which meant it was a lack of courtesy to not consult or invite me to their trist. But, the anger quickly disappeared when I realized the magnitude of the office gossip I had stumbled onto, especially because one of the members of the dynamic duo was already dating a co-worker. Like good girl scouts we swore to keep this between us and went about our business.

Now, 5 hours into this affair, I knew this was dangerous territory. I had plans to grab dinner and get pretty at a friend’s house for the party of the year. But, there was no way I could miss out on the potential for more debauchery. No way.

Like a Jason Mraz album, we danced, we drank, we made new friends, we sang, we talked, and we flirted collectively, until the sky turned black. One by one they fell. One co-worker got in a tiff with his wife, when he forgot to pick up his kid at day care. Another was seduced by a cougar at the bar, and he left with her. The bosses left. The legal department left. And, the small group that remained included the girlfriends.

Time was of the essence. It was dangerously close to party time, but I couldn’t leave without seeing more, so, I suggested venue change. A place that was of walking distance and perfect for inciting serious debauchery  - The Pink Pony.

Lap dances ensued. Money was thrown. And, as surmised, it served as a catalyst for all sorts of havoc. The girls did end up acting out, and the boyfriend didn’t mind at all. As a matter of fact, the girls made a total of $14. I was quite satisfied with myself, until I went to use the ladies room and realized it was way after 11.

“Oh no!” The panic in my voice caused the strippers huddled around the mirror to look at me.

“I’m supposed to be somewhere! And now look at me!”

The girls gathered around me and, like sexy, fairy godMILFs. I was commanded to wash my face, while one of them went back to the dressing room to grab her make-up bag. The two remaining worked together to take off my jacket and sexified my shirt by unbuttoning it and creating a little side-knot. When the third returned, they proceeded to do my make-up and two wet my hair for a designer look.

In the middle of this, my co-worker girlfriends walk into the ladies room. Their giggling stopped, as they stood there starring.

“They’re helping me out.” I said.

“I’m sure they are,” one of them said.

I quickly grabbed my purse and bid adieu to my new friends with kisses and dollar bills. Conveniently, a cab was parked right outside and he had no trouble double-timing it to the club.

{ ( { REVERSE WAVY DREAM SEQUENCE EFFECT ) } )

“27.50. Hello? Wake-up. 27.50.”

The stickiness of the mascara kept one of my lids shut. With my one good eye, I looked out the window of the cab to see my front door. Then turned my attention to the cabbie’s furry unibrow through his rearview mirror. I handed the man 33 dollar bills and walked across the paved path with my head held high, knowing that this would one day make for a good story.

“Stories of FOMO”

You’ve just read a chapter from “Stories of FOMO.” Here are a few other chapters in case you fear of missing out on them:

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

Chapter 5

Filed under: FOMO, Writing Tagged: Blame it on the FOMO, Chapter 2, drinking, Fear of Missing Out, Stories of FOMO ]]> http://maridearmas.com/2013/01/26/blame-it-on-the-fomo/feed/ 2 Mari BlameIt