Neck defense

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Neck sensitivity plagues some people. What is neck sensitivity? Well, it is the inexplicable phobia of someone, something or a vampire touching, tickling, kissing, breathing and/or biting your neck. Unfortunately,  I suffer from this affliction.

As if the phobia alone wasn’t enough, it is exactly when someone, something or a vampire tries to come near my neck that I lose control of my body, my vocal chords and renal function. Truly, it is debilitating. Which is why I applied for disability insurance and put this as my reason.  (I’ll keep you posted with the result of my application)

You are probably thinking that I should just go about my life wearing a neck brace. Sure, a neck brace, a scarf, even a double chin would be helpful. But, did you know that 98 percent of all neck attacks happen at home?  That means I would have to hide my neck around the clock – even in the shower. This doesn’t seem fair. (These were among the arguments included in an attached statement to my disability application)

Last night, however, a celebrity dared to raise awareness about this condition on the VMA’s.

Copyright 2009 MTV

Copyright 2009 MTV

I used to practice the ancient method of neck defense – make crazy faces. Not just your normal run of the mill crazy face, I mean ca-ray-zee. As the attacker comes close to my neck, they are by default very close to my face and susceptible to seeing an already exaggerated expression in IMAX quality. But, last night I learned that the best way to just shoo anyone away from your neck is a two-part tactic. First, wear a crown of thorns around your face. Brilliant. And the second is to not make crazy faces, but to just be crazy. And not just crazy. But, car-ray-zee.

Again, just a temporary fix until I hear back from the disability office.

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