Dear Tai Chi Master,

I didn’t make it to class today because I just now woke up. And class started twenty minutes ago. I’m not going to waltz in there almost an hour late and interrupt your hip-gyrating and hand-flailing. It was the same reason I didn’t make it to the last class and the one before the last. It is probably why I won’t make it next week or the following.

I like to sleep in on Saturdays.

This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. I tried to pretend to be a responsible adult on the weekend. And it’s just not true. I still celebrate a Pajamas-and-Cocoa-Krispies Saturday morning – and I’m not giving it up. Not for enlightenment, not to do laundry, and certainly not to learn the ancient art of slow-mo martial arts set to Harry Connick, Jr.’s music.

Speaking of music, I would like to bring up a couple of things that I find disturbing. Why Harry? Why set Tai Chi to Harry? Why not traditional Asian songs or mediation music? It’s weird man. I mean Master.

The other thing I would like to submit for your consideration is the outfit you wear to class. Your white satin China-man Halloween costume is a bit much. I know, I know it’s your Tai Chi uniform. But you’re not Asian. So it looks like you’re trying to dress up as one. Again, that’s just me.

Finally, I understand that we live in hyper-sensitive times and a male teacher presiding over a predominantly female class may encounter some issues, especially teaching a physical fitness class. But, dude, I mean Master, you don’t have to ask permission every time you are going to touch someone. “Excuse me, may I touch you?” every time you want to correct someone’s posture gets to sound creepy. Just grab their shoulders or their arms or whatever, but don’t ask. Especially don’t use the phrase, “…may I touch you?” You are wearing silk pajamas and playing Harry in the background, it’s weird already.

I hope this letter explains my absence(s).

Kind Regards,

Your student.