Squint your eyes and look closer

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People are made up of hair, bones, blood and kookiness.

Sure, on the surface everyone is the same. We are all made up of skin and bones, eyes and ears, hair and legs. Sure, some more than others, but for the most part, we are all human-like. On the surface.

However, this week, more than any other week in my entire life, I’ve noticed insanely bizarre behaviors, mannerisms, twitches, ticks, psychological disorders and sad fashion choices in mostly everyone I’ve come in contact with. This is not to say that I am all together exempt from any of the aforementioned. No. And, this is not because I’m a seven-year old at heart and do not possess the maturity level to ignore these flaws. I’m just saying that either the entire world has gone mad or there’s something in the water. Seriously.

In no particular order, here are a few examples:

The leaning tower: Not particularly tall. Not particularly fashionable. This too-old-for-practically-everything-woman walks at an angle. The exact angle, I’m not sure, but it’s pretty much forward. Forward like a skier. She walks head first, legs last. This wouldn’t be such an issue if it wasn’t for her insistence on wearing mini skirts. So, it’s business in the front, and Hanes Her Way in the back.

Crown jewels: I have certain rules. Personal rules. Like not to step in shit twice and never to fool around with co-workers. Right. So, I’m not big on rules. But, there are some that should never, ever be ignored. Especially for men. Like to never wear white socks with dress shoes. And to never, under no circumstances, wear a pinky ring. Not even on Halloween. I’m all for the metro-sexual. One ring, a watch and some cuff links should do. But once you add a matching necklace and bracelet and three rings on your pinky, thumb and ring finger, you are officially a tacky-sexual.

The clicker: Try as you might to have a serious conversation with this person, it is completely impossible because after every few words they click. They click something in their mouth. I think it’s their tongue. Perhaps it’s their false teeth. I’m not sure. This sucking-like noise makes everything they say sound like they’re disappointed. For instance, “I got a positive review (INSERT CLICK HERE).” What does that mean? Is the person sad about it? Outraged? Do I show concern or happiness? I decided to walk away instead.

The picker: It is NOT okay to put your finger anywhere near your nose while I’m talking to you. I don’t care how well you think you know me. Or how much I remind you of your sister.

The late laugher: It’s a grammar issue more than anything else. I say something funny and you laugh. I’ve said something funny and you laughed. See how nice that sounds? You know why? Because that’s how it’s supposed to work. But, when dealing with a late laugher, they retard* their laughter until the moment has completely passed. So, if I were to put it in a sentence, it would sound like: I said something funny and laughing. You see how painful that is? That’s how much their timing sucks.

*The use of retard in this sentence is: Occurring or developing later than desired or expected; delayed.

The pessimist: The world is ending, but it’s okay this place sucks anyway. You can’t trust killer whales anymore, so who cares if the polar bears die.” Maybe not an exact quote, but it’s in the ballpark. It was a conversation sparked by my offering of congratulations for a job promotion and relocation.

Now thinking back, I wish I would’ve made a clicking noise after every word.

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