Tailor made

Music is everything to me. Everything. I grew up surrounded by musical instruments and piano lessons and parties with live bands and DJs. In every room of my house I have at least one appliance that could play music on command. I leave the radio on all day, even though I’m not home. A movie score can make me weep faster than a monologue.  

Which is precisely my problem. I can’t hear words while music is playing. I mean, I hear the words, yes. But I don’t connect them in any meaningful way.  

This is why for years I thought “I want you to know, that I have beef with you,” was the first line in Alanis Morisette’s You Oughta Know. And my recent discovery that Madonna never vogued while singing, “Gingivitis dance on air.” No. That was just me singing that lyric for the past twenty years.

Lyrics have always been my downfall. I’ve lost count of the songs about horrible break-ups, cheating and fantasies about other people I have erroneously dedicated on anniversaries, birthdays and Valentine’s Days. I still can’t believe George Michael’s A Different Corner is not a passionate love song about the first time two lovers share an intimate moment. 

To avoid these horrible mix-ups, I now make it a habit to look up lyrics online.   

Recently, I was looking for romantic songs – for a mix-tape, of course. While qualifying Taylor Swift’s You Belong With Me as a love song and not some ballad about date rape, I read her lyrics in complete horror. I mean, I finally understood why the heterosexual dating world has turned to crap. 

The song starts off with “You’re on the phone with your girlfriend.” Um. Yeah. That should be a huge red flag.

Not because he has a girlfriend, but that he’s talking to her in front of you and having silly fights about a joke he made. If a dude is sort of into you and is contemplating leaving his girlfriend to pursue a romantic relationship, the last thing he’s going to do is mention her. Let alone, talk to her while you’re there.

She goes on to say, “but she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.” And then follows it up with “She wears high heels, I wear sneakers.” This is a clear indication that his current girlfriend is crazy hot and you’re not. Honey, unless this is an episode of Ugly Betty, he’s not leaving his super hot girlfriend for your t-shirt, wet or not.

“Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find that what you’re looking for has been here the whole time.”

You can keep dreaming alright.

The worst part of all is when she gets a false booty call: “Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night,” and then it ends with him about to cry. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He showed up to your house and you couldn’t close the deal?

Clearly, this is a disfunctional, one-way relationship with between her mind and a fictional character from the Twilight series.

So ladies, lets recap what Taylor Swift taught us:

• You cannot simply wish a man into being with you.
• …Unless he’s out of your league. Then wish away. 
• If he’s in your league, then set a non-negotiable price point on your ass and don’t put up with any less than you deserve.
• If a dude shows up to your house in the middle of the night, this could be the right time to transmit your romantic feelings – through your vagina.

I mean, seriously. What’s wrong with this chick, Taylor? Is she a 17 year-old insecure virgin?

Oh. Really?