Straight jacket love

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They like each other.

There was a boy. One boy. One time, in college. It got a little confusing. I got a little crazy. I felt a little more than I was supposed to.

We both knew it was an impossible love. Completely forbidden.

If we would have let it progress, it would turn my life upside down. Could you imagine? After all that work coming out, becoming part of the community and educating my straight friends, I pull a “just kidding!”

The local chapter of the lesbian task force would certainly have my head, not to mention they would make me return all of the toasters I earned from sleeping with straight girls.

This one boy and this non-relationship certainly do not make me an authority on straight love, nor would I want to be – I can hardly handle crooked love. It’s my friends, both men and women, that have taught me everything I need to know about maneuvering love in an opposite sex relationship.

I’ve been the confidant, the cover-upper, the witness, the matchmaker, the other woman and the best friend. Sometimes all at the same time. But, more often, the observer. And as such, I’ve developed these simple rules for men and women to live by. That is, if they ever want to find love with the opposite gender.

FEMALE: MALE:
Stop looking for love. Pretend it doesn’t exist. Instead, look for a companion. Someone you enjoy. Look for love. It will get you twice as much poon. But just don’t call it poon.
Adopt a stripper attitude. Not the attire. Men love being teased. They’re masochists. Be confident and comfortable with your body. You are the keeper of the poon. You have all the power. Shut up. Just a little. Just enough. It’s really not about you and in the end, she doesn’t care if you know or don’t, if you have or don’t, if you’ve done it or haven’t.
Never cling. Never need. Never nag. Save that for marriage. Make sure she’s taken care of. Especially before you go out without her.
Never have a meaningful conversation near a television. Never pretend to listen.
Role play. Dress up. On weekdays. Don’t wait for special occasions.   Remember your one week anniversary. And be romantic about it.
If something bothers you, say it. If it bothers you a lot, dump him.   Her friends are off limits. Before, after or during.
Sleeping with him doesn’t make him your boyfriend. Sleeping with her will make you her boyfriend.

FOR BOTH OF YOU:

Never pounce on your prey. Never listen to your friends. Never stalk. Never hire a private detective. Never take the other person’s feelings for granted.  

Be good to each other for Christ’s sake. You guys are screwed as it is. Opposite sex love is weird and complicated.

I’m not saying that it’s wrong or anything, but it could seem a bit unnatural at times. The best bet is to know what you want. Seriously. Write down what you want in a mate. Like, if he should have a job, be respectable or be nice to animals, or if she should be hot, have nice boobs and give head.

If these things are your deal breakers, then you should keep them top-of-mind and figure out if your potential lover fits your dream qualities. This way you don’t waste your time or that of the other person. Or wait until your forty to figure out that your expectations are insanely high, that you’ve been dating out of your league or worse – that after all this time, you were just gay.

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2 responses »

  1. They call you Dr. Love!!!! I love the tips for the Females, I will remember them. Look for someone you enjoy. Adopt a stripper attitude. Be confident and comfortable with your body. Great tips Mari. Are you also reading the Tarot???

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