Lend me your ear(phone)s

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Ears are funny.

Despite their abstract shape, curvy canals and gooey insides, they serve us well.

They let us hear. Some of us. At least those that are lucky enough to still have auditory function after years of standing too close to the speakers at concerts, clubs or trunks of cars.

Regardless of their functionality, ears also let us do terrible things to them – like stab them. All for the sake of decoration. Like a Christmas tree with large ornaments that hang from the lower branches, I used to wear earrings all the time. I even pierced the cartilage on the to part of my ear. Only it turned into the pussing volcano of heat and sulphuric infection.

It was my fault really. I should have never, ever had it pierced at the mall by a person my age. It wasn’t even inside a real store, either. It was a kiosk across from Gap. But still, I agreed to it and let the acne-ridden teen technician stick me with a contraption that looked like the not-so-distant relative of the nail gun.

I knew something was wrong immediately. From the moment I heard that caliper thing pop.

And I especially knew something was extra wrong with my normally room temperature ear when, all of a sudden, it was as if a Jacuzzi had just turned on, full-blast, max-temperature, with 12 high pressure jets pushing the blood around inside.

It reminded me of my first trip to Boston and how I felt like my ear was going to freeze off. Only this time the temperature was the other extreme.

It is no surprise that I developed a serious infection. And, as a consequence, I also developed Nickel Allergy.

So, I don’t wear earings anymore. At least not for a prolonged period. Eight consecutive hours, tops. At eight hours and one minute the Jacuzzi turns on. Instead, I’ve taken to wear earphones.

They are a hypoallergenic accessory that is not only trendy, but protects my ear from more infection – the kind that develop from unpleasant conversations. They allow me to ignore people by pretending to have to music on too loud.

They scream, “Hey airplane seat neighbor, I’m not here to make friends.” So I don’t have to.

And when the music is indeed on, they make me feel like I’m walking through life in my own movie soundtrack.

My favorite thing they shield me from is the annoying sound of chewing gum being slapped around and snapped together in someone’s cow-like mouth.

I flipping hate the sound of chewing gum. It almost makes me want to cry when I hear it. I for sure makes me gag when I see someone chewing it all opened-mouthy. And it certainly makes me want to hurt someone when I step in it. But, earphones successfully distract me from two out of the three aforementioned things, which is not a bad statistic.

However, the real reason earphones are amazing…no, not that you can turn the chords into a choking device! The real reason is that earphones serve as indicators of sexual interest.

Seriously.

Forget Match.com, just ask the person next to you if you could borrow their earphones. Try it.

Unless you are currently boinking them, or they are interested in boinking you, no one will randomly lend you their earphones. It’s too personal. There’s a potential for goo exchange.

But if they do, you’re in. And the only wax you have to worry about is the one around your bikini.

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