People who need people

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After intermission a rather large woman was late getting back to her seat because she was getting snacks. Her seat next to mine, it took no effort on my part to smell the Pepsi fumes released from the sealed 12 ounce bottle. It was all I could smell. And, all I could hear was the wrapper of the brownie she was eating crackle between her fingers. Not all the time, though. The crackle sound was overpowered when the chocolatey snack became stuck to the roof of her mouth.

At another show, I sat next to a rather large man with a shaved head. He had a kind face and didn’t eat at all. But, upon further inspection of his head, I noticed that he had consistently missed the spot behind his ear. Each strand a different length. It looked like a clump of hair you would find on the floor of a barber shop, only it was on his head. While following his finger as it exited his nose, I also noticed that he had unshaved hair directly where his upper lip meets the bottom of the nose.

The realization that I would’ve made a match between these two, highlighted my poor socialization skills in a theater environment. If I would’ve have been a cordial neighbor, I could have complimented the way the fat lady stuck the sealed brownie in her mouth and pulled out the wrapper without a single crumb anywhere on it or her. She would’ve struck up polite conversation between soda burps about the show we were watching and inevitably requested me as a friend on Facebook. As for the bald guy with the chinchilla growing on the side of his head, I could have asked him a rhetorical question about the lack of parking spaces for the venue and then followed up with something more personal, like if he had a furry pet. This, again, would’ve led to him friending me on Facebook and eventually posting something on my wall. A comment like, “Hey, remember me? I met you at a show.” And then she would’ve replied, “LOL! OMG! I met her at a show too. Were you at the same show?” Before you know it they friend request each other and are having virtual sex on FaceTime.

What if I were to tell you that this hypothetical situation really happened. Would you believe me?

Brangelinugly.

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