Whatcha gonna do with all that junk?

It’s a theory mash-up! Ready?

My humps

Reasonable, working adults that are fully functional members of society should never subject the object of their affection to dry humping.

Unless said object is really an object.

Leave dry-humping to those that do it best – adolescents. Let them learn the hard way (no pun intended) what friction between two people wearing denim feels like the next day.

Imma be

Dressing like one of The Black Eyed Peas is only cool if you are one of The Black Eyed Peas. A track suit made of plastic may match your bleached blonde hair, but it may also clash with you beer gut and crows feet.

The time

Being on time is only important to the person that is already at the place you were supposed to be five minutes ago.

I gotta feeling

Sometimes, particularly after having frozen yogurt, you may feel like compromising the integrity of the nearest restroom. Don’t panic. Just give it five minutes. Entertain yourself with a phone call or a television show. The feeling will mysteriously disappear and never come back again (until the next morning).

Meet me halfway

Here’s something fun: When entering a building, look behind you to see if there’s anyone. If the person is really close to you, don’t hold the door open. Regardless of how many things they may have in their hands, just open the door and keep on walking, like they don’t exist.

But, if you see someone really, really far away, hold the door open for them. They will instantly run the rest of the way. Like it’s a marathon. Sprinting even. Like the door is going to close on you and the portal to getting back to the future will be closed forever.

Then you can say, “Don’t run,” or “Don’t worry about it,” and watch them smile and thank you for holding the door that they were perfectly capable of getting for themselves, before they twisted their ankle from jogging in their corporate shoes.