Bare hugs

There’s nothing more therapeutic than the human touch.

Hugs, holding hands, hand jobs, they are all quite nice. If they are welcomed, of course. There’s nothing worse than someone hugging you when you really don’t like them. Especially a lingering hug. You know the kind where your arms are by your side, but they are still hanging on to your neck for dear life and squishing your boobs.

I hate the booby-squish. Makes me not want to get implants for fear of one of these hugs going terribly wrong.

The only time booby-squishing is acceptable is if laying down, face-first, on a massage table. Or if you’re on your back and the masseuse places your hands on your own boobs before giving you a booby-squishing chest massage.

Wait. Does this only happen to women? The booby-squishing chest massage? Do men with boobs get the same chest-massage-boob-protection?

Who knows. I’m sure men with boobage don’t even notice. I mean, there they are, half-naked in the hands of a total stranger who whispers in their ear the entire time. The masseuse could be struggling to scoop their pancake boobs from under their armpits for all they know. But, then, they might also be too busy with other appendages to notice the state of their boobs.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I’ve been thinking a lot about boobs and men and hugs. I wouldn’t normally give these things so much thought, but, while trolling my favorite website for life’s greatest answers (Yahoo! Answers UK & Ireland) I realized how these three things are so intertwined.

Here’s a question posed by Eden:

Clearly, what she should’ve asked is why her parents named her Eden. But, Emilay (who should’ve asked the same thing) answered to the best of her abilities.

But Emilay’s answer, although it was voted the best by her peers, is wrong.

There were other answers that were much closer to the truth:

I’m surprised it only got 19 percent of the vote, because I for one know this to be absolutely true.

This next one was sort of right, but kind of off-topic, as I didn’t know there were tan-friendly-hugs. I suppose a hug gone wrong can leave your hugger orange. Interesting.

She also suggests talking through the hug, but I think that’s weird and calls for more lingering. What if the person is long-winded? I like to look at the person I’m talking to, not chit-chat cheek-to-cheek. Anyway, one time I tried talking while hugging the old man from the mailroom and I accidentally slurped up his earlobe. In my defense, his earlobes were long and dangly.

Moving on.

I think this is the winner and am really upset Nicole Heart didn’t win best answer:

She makes it crystal clear by pointing out, further to Brittany’s argument, that hugs have no emotional value to men, because all they are interested in is squishing your boobies.

Remember this the next time a co-worker is having a hard day and you reach out to give’em a hug. Unless he’s gay, he’s not feeling your compassion, he’s feeling your boobs. So, make sure you’re freshly spray-tanned to get back at him.

For more on hugs, check out:

Published by Mari

I was born with a widow's peak and a thick accent. I majored in English as a second language. I work ( and travel ( and sometimes do both.

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