I believe we are capable of achieving an era of global peace. If it wasn’t for some a-holes that mess it up all the time.
And these are the jerks that ruin it all for the rest of us:
1. Those that choose not to scoot up while waiting for the light to change in the left turn lane. I’m not asking you to tailgate the car in front of you, but, Jesus, if everyone scooted just a little bit, then there would be space for a lot more cars. Cars that are blocking the last intersection because you refuse to scoot up. Scoot up assholes! Scoot the fuck up! For your fellow-man.
2. When someone says “Thank you,” or “Please,” do NOT answer with “Uh huh.” Uh huh what asshole? Are you being smug with me? Do I owe you a favor because I’m asking for extra cheese? “Uh huh.” What happened to “My pleasure,” or “No worries”? Hell, when you say “You’re welcome,” you don’t even have to worry about spelling you’re right. If you’re annoyed with my gratitude, just smile back. Don’t say anything. Don’t make a sound. Just smile back. Smile and be a pacifist.
3. When you are in a queue with a 45 minute wait time to get into a Haunted House at Universal Studio’s Halloween Horror Nights and your names are Chase and Valeria, no one cares to hear your personal conversation. It’s not interesting. No one cares. Be respectful to the people and service animals in your surrounding by turning it down a notch. Outside of theater class, you must coexist with the rest of the world, which means if you’re not going to shut the fuck up, at least keep it to a decent volume. For the common good, hush.
4. Do not take a shopping cart that isn’t yours. Seriously. Are you a sociopath? Do you take pleasure in causing others pain? Because I can’t imagine something more sinister than taking a cart, paying for someone else’s groceries and then not giving it to them. And do you select the cart by the items inside, or just the convenience of the location? You know what, I don’t care. Just stop it. For the sake of global harmony.
5. You have a moment. You have a specific number of years until your heart stops pumping. Why would you spend a single second of that time popping your gum near other human beings. Are you kidding me? Are you some regressed primitive animal that releases warning sounds before it starts to head-butt another primitive animal? Do you know what that sound lets other humans know? That you’re a douche. That you’re the type of person that spits your gum out on the sidewalk. It also says that you’re an advocate of conflict and war, as you allow mini-explosions to constantly take place in your mouth. Well you violent gum popper, the buck stops here. The time for peace is now and it starts with your mouth.