Where has all the gluten gone?

I visited Whole Foods twice this week. And both times, I couldn’t find gluten. I searched the bakery and the frozen food section. I searched the beers, the wines and the waters. I even searched the affluent hippie section with the incense and the Toms. Yet, everywhere I turned, signs, both large and small, indicated that gluten had been freed from every single product in the store.

But where did the gluten go? Without a job or a purpose or a home is gluten just floating around aimlessly? Is it loitering in the adhesive section of a Hobby Lobby somewhere, hoping to blend in, only to be outed by Elmer’s in a few days?

Gluten, if you’re reading this, I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. You can come to my house. I’m tolerant. Hell, more than tolerant. I’m one hundred percent accepting.