Sunday morning

Brunch is my church. I visit the altar of meal combining almost every Sunday, like a devout glutton. It is the holiest of meals, as it is the time of day that I am most spiritually tranquil and physically ready to receive the communion of English muffin and mimosa.

As a faithful bruncher, I have prepared, out of my free will, a few commandments to ensure your experience is other-worldly.

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The Brunch Gospel.

Brunch with your partner

This is the way God intended brunch to be. You, your partner and 136 other people vying for a small table on the sidewalk that is dangerously close to a busy intersection without an umbrella to protect you from the unforgiving morning sun. How else will you know if your relationship can stand the test of time without experiencing a three hour wait for poached eggs?

Brunch with friends and their children

I say start them early and baptize them into the brunch lifestyle while they are still in diapers. But there are no two ways about it, brunching with friends that happen to be parents is complicated. However, with proper planning and basic knowledge of fractions, your morning-to-afternoon meal could turn out to be an okay time. The first step requires you to ascertain how many people are in your party. For example, four adults and a child is considered a party of four-and-a-half. However, if your friends happen to have two children, you must figure out their ages to come up with the proper fraction, which directly correlates to the type of chair and/or chair accessories you will need. Also, it is important to note that if your friends have twins or triplets this formula is useless. In this case, all you need are functional restraints.

Brunch with your parents

Honor your father and mother by feeding them food and drink that will give them acid reflux and spike their blood sugar levels for 48 hours. Are you feeling nostalgic for your teenage years, when you would beg your parent or guardian to drop you off two blocks from the movie theater so not to be embarrassed in front of your friends, but they didn’t listen to you and drove right up to the entrance and accidentally honked? Well, taking them to brunch is very much like that, only they will find new and creative ways to embarrass you and ruin any future visits to your favorite brunch spot.

Brunch with your younger friends

Don’t take the mimosa in vain. That is some serious champagne disguised in citrus and, no matter how “light” it feels going down, don’t let your younger friends convince you that shooting the revered breakfast drink is the best way to get your money’s worth on the unlimited drink package you just purchased. God punishes these acts harshly.

Brunch with your older friends

Do realize that brunching with your older friends will be easier than most other groups. They are less likely to flake out or over sleep and will only eat at places that take reservations because they are too grown to wait in line. That being said, you should be prepared for the inquisition that will shortly follow the waiter’s normally rhetorical, “Are there any questions about the menu?” Once the 25-minute question and answer session about items that they were never really going to order has culminated in requesting the world’s most customized Huevos Rancheros, they will spend the next 25 minutes explaining their digestive ailments as the reasoning behind their complicated order.

Brunch by yourself

The only person that notices your request for a table for one is the host/ess. To everyone else, you are completely invisible. Watch people all around you, as they fight with their spouse, entertain their children, order for their annoying parents, vomit on tables, and ask endless questions about the types of bread available. And then laugh and laugh. Just like God.

Amen.
Amen.

Thirstyfive

The birthday weekend has come and gone. And, I’m officially a year older. But, none the wiser. It has taken 96 hours to recover from the 72 hours that came before. A heavy price to pay to party like it was 1993.

and so it begins
Invite-a-site.

As I hardly have any recollection of what really occurred, I will use the photos I found on my camera to tell the story. Oh, and the asterisks denote well-deserved shout-outs. You can read those at the bottom of each section.

Day 1*

The evening started off fine. I was composed, demure and ready for fun.

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But, when you mix a mango-flavored hookah and vodka, something strange happens.

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You see the world from a different perspective.

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And, even when everything seemed to be moving fast, I was as still as an H&M mannequin.

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* Thank you Nelson and Patty for being such good sports on the hottest night of the year. When our plans changed abruptly, you said okay to going to a place that required jumping over sewage to get to a rear entrance through a Chinese restaurant. That type of friendship is golden in my book. Oh, and thanks Andrew for not letting me go out barefooted. Your shoe delivery was of impeccable timing.

Day 2**

The sun is an asshole.

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But, I had to battle through it. People were counting on me to make an ass out of myself.

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Luckily, I had the assistance of a hat.

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shavedarmpits

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** Thank you Marisa for the kick-ass t-shirt. I’m sorry you missed out on grabbing J.T.’s kicks. I hear his feet stink anyway. Thank you Paul for showing up on the beach out of nowhere and then disappearing the next morning into thin air. I mean, are you even real? Aileen and Jason, thank you for teaching us the word “caneca,” which means a container formerly used for breast milk that is now used to store Don Q rum. Thank you Maggie, Jen and Kathy for making the trek and taking pictures. Thank you Necuze for being the last man standing. Thank you Dougs, Chrisses, Kristies, Sissi and Gabby for being witnesses to the mess that was Saturday/Sunday. Thank you Danny for bringing an entourage that diversified the group. Thank you Andrew and Jess for being sober. Thank you Janette for sexually harassing all of my friends.

Day 3***

Good morning angels.

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Good morning Charlie.

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drag1

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Cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake.

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Can’t wait to blow my candles out.

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*** Thank you Jess and Andrew for the morning snuggle, for the cake and for taking out Finn. Franky and Veronica, thank you for teaching me the many uses of Ponds. Thank you Bettina for your attempt to put order at a brunch in a gay bar. Thank you Marianne for making friends with the next table. Thank you Luis and Annette for teaching me the art of getting free shit. Thank you Susan for helping out with the mimosas. Thank you Jack for making the table even more fabulous. Thank you Terry for not judging my pouting as we walked all the way home.  And, thank you Adhir and Ashleigh for being so enthusiastic about eating cake.

Last, but not least, thank you Librarian for your saint-like patience, your willingness to go with my flow and for never once asking me to comb my hair or put on sunscreen.

Making dreams come true since 2001.

imokay