Policy of truth

In theory, social media is composed of electronic platforms that help you connect to friends and family via the Internet.

In truth, social media is the cover that allows you to chat with your first girlfriend, while snooping through your ex-girlfriend’s posts, all behind the back of your current girlfriend.

In practice, there are platforms that excel at allowing you to be a part-time sleuth and a full-time pretend-friend, like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

And then there is LinkedIn.

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Insidious LinkedIn. Liar, liar, pants on fire, LinkedIn.

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It allows us to post a perfectly touched-up photo of ourselves in pearls and a business jacket, but behind that benign hair cut and business casual smile, lies the menacing truth that we all know about each other.

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Truths that are only learned once you share an office space with someone for forty hours a week.

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(Seriously, when was the last time you wore a jacket on a Tuesday, just because? And you know those pearls have since been hawked.)

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This vanilla-fied-facebook is just as effective in discerning a good worker from a psycho-path as a human resources professional or a pre-employment drug screening test.

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Therefore, for a more accurate picture of who you are in the office, the following categories should be added to the endorsement tool:

  • Chronically absent
  • Smells like dirty bed sheets
  • Uses strong perfume/cologne
  • Drives the bus after throwing you in front of it
  • Takes credit for anyone/everyone’s work
  • Spends all day doing nothing, complains about workload
  • Supply hog
  • Holiday-party-hot-mess
  • Home-wrecker
  • Eats other people’s food
  • Never chips in for anything
  • Loud on the phone
  • Violent type-r
  • Gum-popper
  • Too cheery
  • Too moody
  • Flirt
  • Dress-code-breaker
  • Keeps alcohol in bottom drawer
  • Talks to themselves
  • Talks to no one
  • Can’t speak English

I think my co-workers would really enjoy being endorsed under any of the categories mentioned above. It would certainly add a little spice to their bland profile. And, according to their LinkedIn profiles, each of them appreciates honesty.

mari-de-armas

P.S. Remember to hit me up on LinkedIn and if you don’t see an endorsement category you like, write one in. http://www.linkedin.com/in/maridearmas

My spam is your spam

Times are tough. If you’re unemployed, jobs are scarce. And if you are employed, your job most likely sucks. Which is why I’m sharing this exciting job opportunity. Please forward along to anyone that’s interested in being a stay-at-home-courier:

Hi,

OEDC inc has sent you the following message to offer you a job position. (Goody! I love job positions!! Wait, what’s a job position?) Your candidacy was chosen by OEDC inc internet recruiting team by your resume. (From Linkedin? Wow. That shit works!)

Overseas Electronic Dispatching Company inc was set in 2003 in Poland and provides service of buying and dispatching of different types of merchandise to European customers. We would be glad to offer you a position of courier clerk. The work is remote and only for people living in United States (Your company is based in Poland, but you need someone from the US to send packages to Europe? Isn’t Poland already in Europe?).

Schedule can be flexible, position can be done from home (or prison), no warehouse needed. Monthly payment is a minimum $1500 with sixty dollar per each package rate, so it can be more, but not less (It sounds like I’m signing up for an American Express platinum card.).

Position requires to be/have (the same requirements to be a decoy on “To Catch a Predator”):
-street type of address
-18 years age at least
-computer with web access, scanner and printer
-to have no criminal records 

Employee has rights to open the parcel to see that there is nothing illegal being shipped (I will remember this the next time I order from the Kitty Kat Emporium.).

We provide and expect your carrier growth from you (Well done.).

We also provide the privileges:
– paid vacation two times per each year (Travel provided if you are able to fit in a DHL box.)
– Apple, Sony and other products as gifts to successful employees after trial period (Just open the boxes and take what you like.)

* You are not required to pay any money to work. (*If I had to pay you, then it wouldn’t be work.)

Please reply at your earliest convenience. (Oh, I will.)