Five days of gratitude: All you need is

Today marks the second day of publicly expressing my gratitude for the things I have and don’t have. Truly, I took on this challenge because it seemed simple enough, but it’s turning into quite a humbling experience – which is epic for someone born under the sign of Leo.

Without further delay, today’s thank you note to the universe is dedicated to love. And not easy love. Not fairy-tale, we-just-clicked love. I’m thankful for a love that was tough to tame. A love that was and still is constantly judged and measured by both people that know me and those that will never have the pleasure.

I’m grateful to live out an improbable love story filled with joy, laughter and a healthy amount of drama and mishaps with someone as smart, as good and as hot as The Librarian.


Second, I’m grateful for the Honorable Robert Hinkle, a federal judge that ruled the Florida marriage ban was unconstitutional. Not having the right to marry for the past 13 years is pretty frustrating, but more importantly, there are families out there that urgently need equal protection for the sake of the children. But, thanks to this judge with a name that rhymes with tinkle, perhaps there can finally be some resolution on this issue in our state.

And third, I’m grateful for not knowing what is going to happen next. I can’t be certain that I’ll ever be able to marry The Librarian. I’m not very convinced she even wants to marry me. But knowing the answers to these questions would take away all of the excitement of waiting to see what the next day brings to our relationship. I would, however, really like to know what happens when she locks the door to the bathroom.

It’s been 13 years, can you please let me in?


Made of Steele

It used to be whenever Damian Marley’s “Beautiful” shuffled into my ear buds, I was teleported into a 1996 white, manual transmission Jeep Wrangler. The wind whipped my hair around every which way and huge sunglasses protected my already lobstery face, as I drove through the bustling streets of Montego Bay. It was around Marley’s second verse when my fantasy turned into a nightmare upon the realization that I was driving on the wrong side of the road and I’m really not that great at shifting out of first gear.

Now when I hear the song I have a different dream sequence. It’s of two beautiful people, standing on the beach, professing their love for each other before their close friends and family – in Montego Bay. What is with that place?

I had plans on heading to Jamaica for the auspicious occasion of Franky and Dave’s wedding, where I would’ve ended up either ruining my make-up at the ceremony or crashing my rental on my way to the reception. If it wasn’t for my crazy travel schedule, I would have wanted nothing more than to sit beachside, looking like a member of Kiss in a neck brace (in other words, like Snooki), to witness the union of these two knuckleheads. It would have been the perfect culmination to a year I wasted doubting and questioning the existence of love. I would have taken a mental picture of that moment they turn to each other with the wholeness of their being and kept it with me forever.

Now, I’m going to be the only asshole bawling at the wedding video party. And I hate that. And by hate, I mean love. And love, love is simply beautiful.

Wind beneath my broken wing

So now I come to you with open wings
On the wings of love

Speaking of wind.

I’d like to introduce you to Cuddles the Pigeon. He wears t-shirts and hangs out on Washington Avenue and 7th Street.

He’s your typical Miami Beach pigeon: looking for love, sex and to leave his mark on a freshly waxed Maserati. He also avoids getting speared by the pointy pigeon repellents on the storefronts of Lincoln Road and he never pays for anything he samples at Whole Foods.

He has a weak spot for Brazilian women in spike heels, which is why he moved to the Beach in the first place. He’s never mustered the courage to speak to any of them. Partly because he’s shy. And mostly because of his horrid speech impediment.

Until last night.

When he saw the most beautiful Brazilian model/porn star he had ever seen. He took several double takes to let both his eyes capture her gorgeous body. And decided, right there, that it was time to make a move.

He descended from the top of the Sassy Assy sign and perched himself on the store window for a closer look. While watching her shop for a backless faux twinkle belt, he imagined their life together, their children and their first fight. But, his day-dream was abruptly cut short when Cuddles noticed the bombshell making her way toward the door.

This was his moment. All of his dreams were riding on this single instance.

As soon as she let herself out of the store and on to Washington Avenue, Cuddles flew right up to her. His heart racing and not sure if his sphincter could hold the left over Burger King fries he just scarfed, he floated above her head and said, “You are so fucking beautiful. You make me believe in love at first sight. Would you give me a chance to get to know you? Because I think we could be…”

Unfortunately, that’s all Cuddles was able to get out.

He never expected his Brazilian dream girl to be deathly afraid of birds. Out of her irrational fear and shock of hearing a pigeon speak better English than she, Super-porno-model swung at Cuddles with her Sassy Assy bag and knocked him to the ground.

With a broken heart and wing, Cuddles decided that there was nothing more to live for.

After watching the sunset, he walked right into the intersection, laid down his head onto the pavement and closed his eyes. A few minutes later, he felt himself be carried. Swearing he was dead, he opened expecting to be surrounded by white light, but found that he was being carried by another, super hot, Brazilian woman who held him very close to her chest. Once they reached the other side of the sidewalk, she kissed him and stroked his hair, and placed him carefully under a hedge.

Cuddles watched her walk away. Relieved she didn’t notice his erection.

As soon as she got far enough not to notice, he jumped out from the hedge, holding his broken wing, when another Brazilian woman dropped to her knees to see what was the matter. Lucky for Cuddles, she wasn’t wearing undies.

Realizing that this was the luckiest break he could ever have, Cuddles is currently walking up and down Washington Avenue getting continuous action from kind-hearted Brazilian women.

A word to the wise ladies, he does squirt, but at least he means well.