Safe and sound

I must confess, I was one of those people. I was secretly watching CNN’s wall-to-wall coverage of the missing Malaysia Airlines flight. I watched in horror as a the cable news network reported nothing new for hours, but had at least 200 variations of lower-third graphics.

I watched, not because I wanted to witness lowbrow journalism first-hand, but because I have a secret fear of dying in a plane crash. And among the very many doomsday scenarios I have played out in my mind, from dying in a fireball to surviving the water landing, but then being eaten by sharks, none of them included the long, drawn-out suffering of my friends and family because they didn’t know where I was or what exactly happened to me.

But, now that I know that it is possible to lose a plane, it got me thinking – this should not happen to anyone else ever again. The following are just a few easily implementable suggestions:

  • Stop putting the Black Box on the plane. Or keep it on the plane, but let it send real time updates while in flight. Maybe by using…wait for it…iCloud. Seems like this could be a marketing partnership made in the heavenly friendly skies. Also, can we stop calling it a black box? It’s orange and cylindrical. It makes me nervous that the masterminds in charge of flying behemoths can’t properly identify colors and shapes.
  • Make Nerf airplanes. Light, aerodynamic, colorful and, more importantly, comfortable.
  • Passenger parachutes. If you are going to charge us for cookies and baggage, throw in the option to rent a parachute. If the passenger doesn’t use it, it’s a win-win.
  • Jealous lovers. Instead of funding an expensive and dangerous federal air marshal program, just assign people with extremely jealous spouses and lovers to take flights around the world. There is no way those suspicious minds are going to let that plane out of their sight.
  • Don’t tell them. Let’s never share anything with CNN again.


Six SoCal Cities in Six Minutes

Los Angeles, CA: The only actors you’ll find in this city are working at the Cheesecake Factory on Rodeo Drive. But, princes do live in Bel Air, along with sheikhs and sultans. Although the rest of the population is poor, they prefer to be called potentially rich.

Anaheim, CA: The only reason you’re here is to visit Disneyland. The good news is you can see it from the freeway, so you don’t have to pay the entrance fee to tour Walt’s first park. As a matter of fact, you can check-in at “It’s a Small World” on foursquare from the Denny’s across the street.

Santa Monica, CA: You can’t help but sing every Sheryl Crow song you know when walking around this city. The pier is a must see and there are plenty of musicians to accompany your version of “All I Wanna Do.” A word to the wise, you want to be there when the sun goes down, not up, over Santa Monica Boulevard.

La Jolla, CA: True to its name, it’s Southern California’s jewel and everyone that lives here has rare diamonds locked in the safes of their multi-million dollar homes. Whether you’re relaxing on the shore or seal-watching at the cove, you’ll feel like the million bucks you’ll never have. If you’re into interesting places, take the architecture tour of the Salk Institute. Make sure you wear an ascot.

San Diego, CA: Welcome to Panda Town, USA. The entire city comes to a halt just to watch a panda poo. Because it’s absolutely adorable. This only takes place in the San Diego Zoo, which is a must see, but everything else you need is in the gayborhood of Hillcrest.

Imperial Beach, CA: A blast from the past, this sleepy little beach town looks like the place where Gidget surfed. The population is 46 and 45 of them are professional dudes. Everything revolves around the beach, so don’t expect shops to be open if the surfs up. It’s just a quick car ride to Hotel del Coronado and Camp Pendleton.

Published on

One drink minimum

The following are excerpts from my travel journal. They span a year of travels throughout the U.S. and abroad with only one thing in common: I wrote them while slightly intoxicated.

February 20th

Truth: Love is all you need. Note to self: Avoid the gift shop. For they are creepy and rude.

 May 20th (pre-drink)

…I’m actually on the plane right now. My flight was delayed five and a half hours and my period is rearing its nasty head right at this moment when I’m 35,000 feet away from the nearest Walgreens. I’m debating ordering a cranberry and vodka to ease the pain of the next six hours of flight. Through my earphones I still hear the “s” sounds of the words within a conversation a woman is having with her neighbor, but really she wants the entire plane to hear what she’s saying. And the moron sitting next to me is using his iPhone for poker and his iPod for music. You can do it all with one, man! The plane is being bounced around all over the sky. It’s annoying more than scary. I’m flagging down the flight attendant. VODKA CRAN WINS!

May 23rd

…Today I’m in Ketchikan for the second time in my life. I thought Alaska was a once in a lifetime thing. No such luck.

May 28th

…My back is destroyed. I can’t focus on writing for my blog. I’m surrounded by Asians. I’m going to buy a hat.

August 6th

I’m on a bus with plastic seat covers. Someone is playing awful gospel music from their cell phone. No, no. It’s coming from the speakers on the bus. Now is not a good time Jesus…

 September 4th

I am regretting this $17 sugar-free Red Bull and vodka I purchased at the Billy Joel/Elton John tribute. But what can I do? The guy played piano man right when the waiter walked by…

 December 29th

…and “Silver Bells” is playing on the pool deck, which should be enough of a reason to drink heavily. But I’ve heard this song at least 30 times in the last 72 hours, so I’m going to need something stronger. Maybe some Mexican Zoloft?