NaNoWriMo: Day 15

Today is the fifteenth day of the torture that is NaNoWriMo. According to my calendar, I should’ve been 22,000 words into my novel. According to NaNo’s schedule, I should have been 25,000 words deep. According to reality, I’m just over 7,000 words – exactly where I needed to be on day four. Gag.

It’s hard to believe, from a mathematical point of view, that I have written every day. But it’s true. It’s just that some days only 200 words drip out of me, while other days 2,000 words pour onto the screen like green puke from Linda Blair’s mouth. And that’s precisely the problem. The 2,000-word-barfathon is something I can’t help but clean up the next day, which dramatically cuts down my word count after I mop everything up.

For those unfamiliar with the philosophy of NaNo, you’re supposed to avoid editing until December. Until then, you’re supposed to get it all out of your system as quickly as possible, à la “Bridesmaids.”

This is the part that I find most daunting. It’s not so much about the word count, but the fact that I can’t clean up the words, which are undoubtedly all wrong.

This problem of not being able to go back and edit also defies logic, as I’m really good at ignoring other messes, like dirty dishes, the laundry pile, blog posts, and the dust bunnies under the couch. But not editing what I wrote. Nope. Can’t ignore that.

Twice before, at this exact point of the marathon, I suffered a faux breakdown after reading what I wrote and declared that only 75 words were useful. I then convinced myself that what I needed was a break. And that this miraculous mental regrouping would inspire me to suddenly sit down and produce 50,000 words in one seating. But, from two previous failed attempts, I know that I never really recover from the respite.

This time I’m determined to finish. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older or I’m stubborn or I’m secretly liking my silly novel. What I do know is that I have to hurl 20,000 words this weekend, without looking back once to check on syntax, spelling or Oxford Commas. It’s going to be a Vampire Weekend in more ways the one:

And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand

The following are 100 percent real, unedited, text messages. Enjoy!

No Hair Remains

Anonymous: Just a remainder of today’s apt. See you soon 🙂

Mari: Yay! I hope u have extra wax!

Anonymous: Lol


Interpreting Silence


Anonymous: Did you take hand sanitizer with u? for the potty breaks?

Mari: (No response)

Can’t Keep a Secret

Anonymous: Paneling? Que quiere decir eso?

Mari: Picking. I’m on a panel. From our group they pick 6.

Anonymous: No way!! You are on a jury? When’t the case now?

Mari: I can’t tell you.

–2 minutes later–

Mari: Fuck it. It’s murder!

Anonymous: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mari: Okay but that’s all I can tell u.

Anonymous: Did you tell them you don’t even like Law & Order and you are easily bored and distracted?

Mari: (No response)

Should’ve Put the Patch on my Mouth

Mari: Fucked. 

Mari: 3x fucked.

Mari: Fuck me.

Anonymous: What happened?

Mari: Fucking.angry elf

Mari: Fuck u

Mari: Fuck u and your table

Mari: Fuck.

Anonymous: Fucking hell

Anonymous: Fucktards. Fuckballs, Fuck it all.

Anonymous: Fuck your moms velour track sutis

Anonymous: Fuck her bitchy friend

Anonymous: Fuck you and your hairless dog.

Mari: I love you guys.

Mari: I can’t be left alone. I will buy cigarettes.

Too Much, Too Soon.

Mari: Don’t make me check every urgent care in broward.

Anonymous: Hi, I’m feeling better. I lost my lunch at the Wendy’s close to my house, and started to feel better…weird, that was excruciating..Thanks for your concern.

Mari: It was my bloody lip story wasn’t it?

Anonymous: Te amo

Mari: You are feeling strange and saying delirious things, I’m calling 911 for you.

Asshole Clarification is Not the Same as Anal Bleaching

Mari: Hey. Are You in on Santa’s? On a scale from one to the end of the black eyed peas concert?

Anonymous: Omg craziest day ever. I was helping my friend move into her new apt in downtown and the uhaul truck we were using got towed while we were in the building lol

Anonymous: …so I don’t think I can make it to santas 😦

–Next morning–

Mari: We ended up going! I hope u finally got your uhaul back!

Anonymous: Was it as amazing as we all hoped? Yea we  did eventually, why are all tow truck drivers miserable low lives?

Mari: Ugh. They are assholes. It wasn’t the same without you.

–1 hour later–

Mari: Holy shit! I meant the tow truck drivers are assholes! And Santa’s wasn’t the same without You.

Anonymous: (No response)