All I want for Christmas is a Menorah

Today is Winter Solstice and the pagan goddess gave South Florida the gift of  53 degrees Fahrenheit.

Also today, Jesus Christ answered my prayers when the air-conditioning repair man finally came to my house. I’ve been waiting for him since Halloween. Weird coincidence? Maybe.

It was worth the wait, though. He was a Mason. He didn’t tell me he was a Mason, of course, but I know me a Mason when I see one. They are well-versed in everything that is cool and belongs on the Science Channel. We talked about Nitrogen Oxide and Hydrogen Peroxide. I made him Cuban coffee and discussed the life and times of Buddha.

He said, “It’s best to learn as much as you can, as often as you can and fill the brain with information. Otherwise it will be filled with ignorance.” I walked him to his truck and we wished each other everything from a Merry Christmas to a Happy Three Kings Day.

I too jumped in my car and headed out to the mall. I’m in the market for a Menorah and I was hoping the one I wanted was on sale now that Hanukkah was over. Once near the mall, the traffic came to a standstill. I could see uniformed police officers directing cars and my gaslight came on. There was no way I was going to make it. So, I skipped the mall and headed for the nearest gas station. I figured I could get an even better deal the day after Christmas. God, I hope it’ll still be there.

Next to the gas station, there was a botanica. Not a botanical garden. A botanica, which sells religious tchotchkes. They had a cardboard sign outside that read, “San Lazaro 50% off.” Maybe they had my Menorah, I thought. But before I could think twice about my next move, my phone rang. I know, while I was pumping gas. This set me off into a panic. Isn’t this how Channel 7 says you can spontaneously blow up?

I was so nervous, I couldn’t remember what the reporter said to do in a situation like this. Do I pick up the phone? Do I touch the car? Do I break the car window? Do I do the hokey pokey and stop, drop and roll? So, I asked Saint Lazarus from the botanica to help me not blow up. And guess what, I didn’t.

So after finishing up at the gas station, I went next door hoping to kill two birds with one stone by finding a Menorah and a Saint Lazarus. Although the lady behind the counter was very pleasant and courteous, she wasn’t able to help me. I mean, she tried. She tried to sell me nine tea lights and a statue of Jesus on crutches between two dogs, but that’s not what I wanted. I did buy some delicious smelling Nag Champa incense, not to leave empty-handed.

Maybe it’s just easier to ask Santa for a Menorah.

No matter your faith or your non-belief may this winter bring you an abundance of health, wealth and warmth. And enough power to properly inflate your ornaments.