Clothes make the man

Sight has to be one of the coolest functions of the human body. It is the direct line to the brain. Not that blind people are incapable of registering and understanding the physical world, it’s just that with sight you can discern things on a superficial level. You get to judge your appearance and that of others. And then replay it over and over in your mind’s eye.

For this reason, you should never subject your vision to co-workers in swimsuits.

Ever.

Unless you’re a lifeguard or an exotic dancer, there is no reason to hold a meeting in beach underwear. The clerical staff should never have to trade in their pearls and scarves for one-piece bathing suits with built-in skirts. And by the way, when you get in the water the skirt comes up like Marilyn’s and everyone can see what your razor did not.

Do not be mistaken, this abomination is detrimental to everyone, regardless of rank. If you are an executive, a team leader or anyone that has to command the respect of a group of people, you will lose all your power the moment you take off your shirt and your belly hangs over your Hawaiian board shorts. If someone wanted to see you out of your slacks and dress shirt, they would’ve…they would’ve nothing. No one wants to see you out of your clothes.

Speaking of which…

I have met countless people who’ve had romantic relationships with someone in their office. How do you think their new girl/boyfriend will feel when they come home and break the news that the office is have a beach party – and yeah, so-and-so will be there, prancing around half-naked, rubbing sunscreen on body parts? And even if you didn’t have a previous office romance, a slightly jealous significant other may just “show up” “out of the blue” on the “same beach spot” as you and your co-workers.

Think that’s mortifying? Here’s a possible scenario that may resemble a true story, but is not based on someone’s factual account.

The office drama queen will be stung by a jellyfish and cause such  a huge commotion that other beachgoers will think that she was the victim of a shark bite and call the local news stations. The creatives of your group will become paranoid with all of the attention and scatter with their beach brownies to the parking lot. While all of this is happening, the old guy from the sales department will be caught in the undertow. The lifeguards will get to him, after they decide what color flag represents sand fleas because the beach is infested. On Sunday night your entire staff will develop allergies to sand fleas, sunscreen, sun, come down with food poisoning or sand ingestion, have high blood pressure from salt exposure, causing all of them to call in sick on Monday.

Seriously. No one will remember how this was really swell of you to organize or how you are the coolest boss ever. The picture of you slouched in the sand with your comb-over in disarray will not only be instantly uploaded on your staff’s individual Facebook pages, but the marketing department will use it for mock ads with silly tag lines, fake tabloid covers and as the image place holder for the annual report. Even if you have a perfect body and all your hair, you will have something hanging out of your nose when you come out of the water.

Supervisors, if you want to show your staff appreciation, give them the day off so they can go to the beach like the rest of us: anonymously.