Potty all the time

WARNING! THIS ENTRY CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND BAD GRAMMAR, PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

“Suffering succotash!”

Try yelling that at your next meeting. Think it will come across as charming and polite? Think again! Not only will you reveal your dweebeté, but you’ll date yourself to a room full of people who grew up with Power Rangers and not Sylvester the cat.

Ah, but if you were to replace your outdated, vanilla expletive-deletive with a strong, “Son of a god damned, cracked-out bitch,” your staff will immediately recognize that action is required – or you will soon get “all Whitney on their asses.”

I’m here to tell you it is okay to cuss, curse, swear, say bad words and stick out your tongue and middle finger (two fingers if you’re a Brit) in the office for emphasis. Yes, for emphasis and on occasion. Think of it as using air quotes or sleeping with someone on the first date. If you do it too often, it’ll lose its magic. And that’s what bad words are, magic.

Want to find out if you are a magician in training?

Wait until the office noise subsides just a tad and make sure that your co-workers are nearby. Then, quickly fill your diaphragm with a shot of air and let out a loud, “Fuck!” If at least two people come to your door to see if you need assistance, you are in good shape. If co-workers seem hesitant, follow-up the expletive with slamming your hand on your desk. If still no one blinks, then it is clear that you’ve been hoeing your cussing like a prostiteen.

An easy way to solve this problem is to place your special words in three tiers, Level A, B and C.

Level A words are reserved for “Angry” moments or projects that need “Action.” See how easy it is to remember? Level A words include any variation of fuck, like, “fuckin’ A this is a fucking cluster fuck of gargantuan proportion,” or any use of a religious deity’s name, like, “Damn you Buddha!” Level A words should seldom be used. You get one Level A word per week. Yes. One per week at the office. Use it wisely.

Level B words are best used to address “Bitchassness.” Shit is the number one Level B word, especially when used in phrases like, “Don’t give me any shit,” “The shit hit the fan,” “What’s with this shit?” “No shit,” “Can you believe this shit?” and, “Holy shit,” which is only acceptable because shit isn’t a popular deity. Level B words serve as the bridge between you, upper management and the intern. Everyone can identify with shit, but, like the real number two, too much of it starts to smell. So keep it fresh and light by dropping only a few per day, never diarrhea it.

Level C words are “Crappy” and weak, which are perfect to use with clients and professional contacts. If they’re found in the dictionary or said on NBC prime time, then they are Level C. Ass, bitch, crap, balls and boobs are all examples of Level C words. You can say these words all day, everyday and no one will notice how potty-mouthed you really are.

Good. Okay. We’re almost done. Now I just want to go over some key cuss words or phrases that don’t quite fit in the Level system.

Asshole: It is always okay to refer to yourself as one when you make a mistake. It is also okay to say to your team, “Hey, thanks for the save, without you guys I would’ve ended up looking like an asshole.” It is never okay to call your boss one. At least, never to his/her face.

Biotch: Use it only to call out a co-worker for not being a team player, as in, “Where are the donuts you said you’d bring, biotch?”

Douche: You may use douche. As a word to describe a jerk. Whatever you do with the real product is none of my business, nor that of your co-workers. Don’t use the full term, “douche bag” either. It reminds us what it is you are comparing the douche to. That and douche sounds trendy and French.

Slut: It is best to refrain from this line of cuss. Slut, skank, hoe, whore, hooch although very colorful and descriptive, if you are heard using this type of language, you are bound to offend the office slut.

Penis: Never. Not dick, not prick, not cock. Not even when they’re used in compound with head, sucker or wad.

Vagina: No way, hoe say. Not pussy, not cunt, not twat. No matter the circumstance.

I (like you are probably thinking right now) thought it was ridiculous to have to put together this helpful guide, until I was greeted one afternoon by this statement from a co-worker:

“Can you believe this fucking cunt? What the fuck is going on in that fucking poor excuse of an office. No, and that motherfucking asshole boss of theirs is a fucking dick head too.”

Being that this was her second week of work, I was very concerned and horrified that the other office was rude to her to such an extent that she flipped her intestines to be able to spew that much shit out of her mouth. I quickly pulled her into my office to document exactly what the personnel from that other office did to her so I could pass it along to HR.

“Take a deep breath,” I said with my glasses on and ready to type, “and tell me what happened.”

“I sent them an email this morning about that thing you asked me about. And they haven’t responded.”