Blood in the water

Have you seen this?

It’s all over town. In three languages, at least. Can someone please tell me WHAT ABOUT the blood of Jesus? This is almost as puzzling as the people who drive around with a Menorah strapped to the roof of their cars. Or as undecipherable as a Dave Matthews Band song.

I’m pretty certain this bumper sticker started off as a complete sentence. “The blood of Jesus is awesome.” or “The blood of Jesus Sanchez was unnecessarily shed over a cock-fight.” It could’ve gone either way. Only now we’ll never know because the printer sent it into production without adjusting the font size to fit the complete thought on a four by two inch adhesive piece of paper.

I’ve tried to get the attention of the drivers of these stickers to get clarification and/or an explanation, but they are always either yapping on their phones or praying (more likely having a phone conversation through a hands free device).

In an effort to get back at these people for keeping me in suspense, I’ve devised a few bumper stickers of my own.

Take this you clausers and mid-sentence breakers!

What about the month of January, you ask? I’m not telling. Just like I’m not inclined to share if the car in the garage is turned on and filling up fast with carbon monoxide. What disease do you carry? Well. I don’t want to panic you, but go see “Contagion” to get an idea. And, who knows, the mole on my face could be the secret to life, but you’ll never know.

How does that feel? Not so good, huh?

Too bad, I’m not done with you! Here are some more:

Oooh. Did I just kill a lesbian or am I just kinky? I bet you want to know. Just like you want to know what President Obama is and where I’m going. But more importantly you want to know if my other car is a Prius or an Escalade. You want to know these things. Not because you care. No. You want to know so you can pass judgement as you pass me by.

Which is exactly what I want to do you! Are you a Jesus lover? Or a vampire? Do you just hate grammar or reject all subjects taught in public schools?

I need to know.  Otherwise, I can’t properly make fun of you.

So, now can you tell me, please?