Dear M.F.A. programs I applied to,
It would be really, really nice to hear back from you this week. A simple yes or no, but really a yes, would be great. I need to know already, either way. But really in the affirmative. Seriously. I need to go out and buy graduate student clothes before the “Interesting Scarf Sale” ends. I also need to buy a pallet of Ramen Noodles and colorful reading glasses.
I’m like super committed to being an awesome creative writing student. I’ve been practicing my tortured look and drinking nothing but coffee and Jim Beam, sometimes together and sometimes separately. I have even asked my hair dresser to place one, just one, bright red streak in my hair in the hopes to blend in with the younger crowd.
C’mon grad schools. Either one of you. Let me in already.
Okay, thanks, bye.