“Look at me in the eyes.”
There has been only one other time when she’s asked me to look at her square in the face. And it wasn’t pleasant. So, I sat up straight, folded my hands on the dining room table and looked into her eyes. I had no idea what she was about to ask, but her look was serious and, more importantly, I had a feeling she knew the answer to whatever it was she was about to ask me.
“Have you shown the video of us playing Ultimate Dance 3 to anyone?”
Without thinking about the consequences and still reciting the tell-the-truth mantra in my head, I answered quickly.
I’m not going to bore you with the details of what ensued after confirming her worst fear. I will, however, confirm that the continued showing of this video is now grounds for separation.
Here’s how this whole thing started:
A week ago today, we unwrapped “Ultimate Dance 3,” for the Wii console. By unwrapped, I mean I tore the plastic off the DVD case. It wasn’t a Christmas gift. We had purchased that game months prior and just hadn’t gotten around to playing. I loaded the game and yelled across the house to The Librarian to get into the living room. She was in the bedroom changing into her pajamas.
We strapped on…the controllers and danced our first song. It was intense. To play, you must mimic the moves of the animated dancer (in a pimp or hoe costume). To win you must hit every move at the right time. I wanted so much to look over at The Librarian to see how she was doing, but I didn’t want to lose my concentration – it would cost me too many precious points. So, halfway through the song, I decided that I would record our next dance.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m setting up the laptop, so we can see what we look like.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
After some more arguing, we finally negotiated a deal. The following were the terms of our agreement:
- I would record us from the laptop.
- I would swear never to show anyone.
- I would take off my pants and bra to ensure that I would never show anyone.
We danced the disco song again, we followed it with Britney’s “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” and finished it off with a Bollywood song. She in her pink pajamas. I, in white v-neck shirt and horizontally stripped underwear. When we watched the playback on the laptop, I knew there was no way I was going to be able to keep this a secret. It was too big. Like my ass in horizontally striped underwear.
Show and Tell
The next day. That’s right. I didn’t even wait a full 12 hours before playing it before a small audience. The next day, I opened my laptop and my engorged thighs to an undisclosed, inner circle of friends. From the moment I clicked play and heard that first, “Oh my God,” all the way to when the laughter was so uncontrollable they actually had to hang on to each other for fear of falling, I knew that I had a blockbuster in my laptop. I, myself, had to grab tissue to wipe the tears and snot from laughing so hard.
Reeling from the success of my limited release, I began brainstorming ways to show this video “accidentally.” I thought about pulling a “Weiner” by tweeting it and telling The Librarian that I meant to send it as a direct message. But, then I thought that was too predictable. My next thought was to open a Gmail account and send out the video in an email blast. But, she’d figure out that firstname.lastname@example.org was me. The best idea was to schedule the publishing of the video on this blog at 11:59 pm on 12/25/11. You see, we’re hopping on a cruise for Christmas and it is at that precise moment when we will be in the middle of the ocean, well on our way to the Caribbean, completely disconnected from the interwebs and, more importantly, she will very much disoriented from an excess intake of Dramamine and lobster bisque.
Back to where we started, I’m not sure what tipped her off. Perhaps she saw a tweet that one of the undisclosed video viewers sent out to Ellen DeGeneres mentioning what she had just witnessed. Perhaps I was too quiet about the video. Perhaps she is a ninja. I don’t know. But, I do know enough not to show that video again.
I promised not to show the “video.” By definition that means I cannot show the recording composed of visual and audible components. And, I won’t. I stand by my promise.
However, I can show screen shots.
Want to see more? Help me convince The Librarian. Leave a comment for her below.