The following are 100 percent real, unedited, text messages. Enjoy!
No Hair Remains
Anonymous: Just a remainder of today’s apt. See you soon 🙂
Mari: Yay! I hope u have extra wax!
Anonymous: Did you take hand sanitizer with u? for the potty breaks?
Mari: (No response)
Can’t Keep a Secret
Anonymous: Paneling? Que quiere decir eso?
Mari: Picking. I’m on a panel. From our group they pick 6.
Anonymous: No way!! You are on a jury? When’t the case now?
Mari: I can’t tell you.
–2 minutes later–
Mari: Fuck it. It’s murder!
Mari: Okay but that’s all I can tell u.
Anonymous: Did you tell them you don’t even like Law & Order and you are easily bored and distracted?
Mari: (No response)
Should’ve Put the Patch on my Mouth
Mari: 3x fucked.
Mari: Fuck me.
Anonymous: What happened?
Mari: Fucking.angry elf
Mari: Fuck u
Mari: Fuck u and your table
Anonymous: Fucking hell
Anonymous: Fucktards. Fuckballs, Fuck it all.
Anonymous: Fuck your moms velour track sutis
Anonymous: Fuck her bitchy friend
Anonymous: Fuck you and your hairless dog.
Mari: I love you guys.
Mari: I can’t be left alone. I will buy cigarettes.
Too Much, Too Soon.
Mari: Don’t make me check every urgent care in broward.
Anonymous: Hi, I’m feeling better. I lost my lunch at the Wendy’s close to my house, and started to feel better…weird, that was excruciating..Thanks for your concern.
Mari: It was my bloody lip story wasn’t it?
Anonymous: Te amo
Mari: You are feeling strange and saying delirious things, I’m calling 911 for you.
Mari: Hey. Are You in on Santa’s? On a scale from one to the end of the black eyed peas concert?
Anonymous: Omg craziest day ever. I was helping my friend move into her new apt in downtown and the uhaul truck we were using got towed while we were in the building lol
Anonymous: …so I don’t think I can make it to santas 😦
Mari: We ended up going! I hope u finally got your uhaul back!
Anonymous: Was it as amazing as we all hoped? Yea we did eventually, why are all tow truck drivers miserable low lives?
Mari: Ugh. They are assholes. It wasn’t the same without you.
–1 hour later–
Mari: Holy shit! I meant the tow truck drivers are assholes! And Santa’s wasn’t the same without You.
Anonymous: (No response)