Mama, I’m coming home

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I make it a habit to holiday during the Holidays.

That’s right.

I don’t shop for gifts, I don’t attend dinners, and I don’t dance with creepy uncles. I don’t have to. I’m away. Giving myself the wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah present of a vacation.

This year is no different. The Librarian has chosen New Orleans as our destination and I gladly obliged. But, something very strange happened during my vacation planning process. I discovered that New Orleans and my mother have very many things in common. Too many things, actually. If New Orleans was a person, they could be long-lost twins. And, if my mother was a city, she’d be…well, she’d be Niu Orrrlions (that’s the way she’d make everyone pronounce it).

So, in many ways, I feel like this vacation will be for naught, as it will be like I never left. Here are all the reasons why:

  MOTHER NEW ORLEANS
NICKNAME Nola Nola
RELIGION Catholic Catholic
WHEN VISITING, BE PREPARED FOR
  • Drinking
  • Dancing
  • Listening to Music
  • Crying
  • Tragedy
  • Unnecessary Nakedness
  • Drinking
  • Dancing
  • Listening to Music
  • Crying
  • Tragedy
  • Unnecessary Nakedness
FRENCH-I-NESS Spent a Week in Paris Former French Colony
ETHNIC MAKE-UP
  • 60% Cuban
  • 33% African
  • 3% Asian
  • 1% Unknown

 

  • 60% African American
  • 33% White
  • 3% Asian
  • 1% Unknown
TOPOGRAPHY Flat Flat
DISPOSITION Loud and unstable. Loud and unstable.
LANGUAGE In Spanish, deletes the post-vocalic “r” (vamos pa’ ya). In English, deletes the post-vocalic “r” (ova da rainbow).
FAVORITE MEAL Café Con Leche and Pastelitos Café Au Lait and Beignets
BEADS Owns them in all sizes, shapes and colors. Gives them away in all sizes, shapes and colors.
ON FACEBOOK TYPES IN ALL CAPS. TYPES IN ALL CAPS.
WHEN FRUSTRATED Prays to Saints. Prays for the Saints.
BOURBON Gets rowdy. A rowdy street.
ECONOMY Has a lot of money, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at her. Has a lot of money, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at her.
ONLY KNOWN ENGLISH PHRASE Who Dat? Who Dat?
TRUMPET Husband’s instrument. Louis Armstrong’s instrument.
HURRICANES Make her nervous. Make her nervous.
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