If you’ve just tuned in, this is the second of three entries dedicated to life on a cruise ship.
I love peeps. Both flesh and marshmallow flavor.
It’s true. There are certain perks to working in the hospitality industry, such as traveling to exotic destinations, a generous expense account and free laundry. However, those things were never the reasons that attracted me to the business. Or any type of “things,” for that matter. People were my perk. Not perky people. Real people. People from all over the world with interesting life experiences and eccentric names and/or application of eye make-up. People attracted me to the industry. Especially attractive people. Because it’s nice to have some around when you’re surrounded by a boat load of cellulite and dentures.
The following cast of characters are absolutely real, which is why I love them dearly. I’ve also changed their real names, because I love them dearly:
Crazy Ralph – He lures you in with different color eyes and the likeness of an award-winning actor, and then makes you swoon with his eccentric story-telling technique. He has a passion for hot-dog-dogs. So much so that he actively tattoos them all over his body. When not obsessing over dogs, he travels to Asia to do what he can for the less fortunate. He tried to wear pimp suits and pass them off as formal wear. He also got on the microphone one night and told guests to go fuck themselves.
Girly Joan – She looks twelve. Convinces you she’s twenty-three. And then you come to find out she’s 39. Her crazy laugh and chain-smoking should’ve given it away, but it’s no use, absolutely everyone falls for it.
Colonel Albert – He is the nicest man in the world. His piercing blue eyes mostly confuse lesbians, and right when they are ready to make out with him, he turns his face – the sign of a true gentleman. Need more proof? He held my hand in Italy and let me watch pornographic movies with his girlfriend.
Kathy Jack – This Debbie Downer opens every sentence with “Hey guys,” and is generally followed by, “why didn’t you invite me?” Poor thing, I know. Sometimes, to fit in, she’ll resort to drinking, but then gets too drunk and too wild for everyone’s taste. After a night of being rejected on the dance floor, she retreats to her cabin for weeks – until she starts the cycle again.
Larry King – His hair is fantastic. But he won’t let you touch it. He genuinely wants you have a good time, as, according to him, an angel loses their wings every time a guest complains. He solves everything by offering them ice cream, but, and really what is most endearing about him, is his accent, which makes it sound like he’s handing out ass cream.
Lucy Marine – One night at the lounge, I was celebrating a job well done by drunk dancing. She, pulled me off the dance floor to fix my hair. I have a picture of it – which is the only reason I remember. Almost a year later, she grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me off the dance floor again. This time, she was blocking cameras and screaming, “No photos!” Luckily, this scene was memorable enough not to require proof.