I’m on a boat, free

This is number three. You’ve made it! 

I’m Free.

Half a dozen ships sailed out today. I was on none.

My suitcase is empty and stored in my closet. My toothbrush is standing at attention, in its holder. I do not have a frosty drink or a cigarette in either hand. My ship phone does not have a caller on the other end asking for a bottle of Blue Label and tofu hummus. As a matter of fact, I don’t have a ship phone. I just have a cell phone – good for making calls on land.

This is the second time I leave ships. The first time, I cried. Like a baby. But then again, I was a baby. This time, however, was different. I left without looking back. For fear of whiplash and awkward conversation.

The golf cart whisked us away from the gangway, (me, some big-shot vice president and none other than the CEO,) to the car that would eventually take us to the airport.

A few hours before my departure, I, wearing a cocktail dress and heels, belly-flopped into the pool and did a backspin on the ledge guests use to pretend they can walk on water. It’s the same joke, every cruise – especially if they purchased a bucket of Bud Light. While soaking wet, I picked up a yellow “Caution When Wet” sign and with it, walked around the entire ship dripping wet. All of this was captured on surveillance cameras and, for good measure, I had two friends use their cell phones to document my act of mayhem.

After making it safely from the pool to the crew bar, I decided to return to my room for a quick shower and wardrobe change. Once dry, I ended up taking shots of Jameson; catching french fries with my mouth from across a table; getting lifted on a chair, while three non-Jews sang Hava Nagila; and avoiding eye contact with Rebecca, the highly intoxicated and mentally unstable guest. There’s always a Rebecca on every cruise.

And then, that was it.

I woke up the next morning, packed my bags, tied up loose ends, said my good-byes, and drove away with the president. I did take some things with me (It’s only fair, they got to keep my bonus). Namely:

• Being surprised by a seal in Ketchikan.
• Running around Sorrento like we owned the place.
• Getting caught by surveillance throwing an illegal cabin party.
• The client’s face when I made shots appear as the song “Shots” played.
• The teen idol I chased up four flights to keep her safe from the multitude of fans not running behind her .
• Wearing a white uniform and stripes for he NoH8 campaign photo shoot in the middle of the ocean.
• Getting lost in the hallway with the Captain.
• Getting caught in a rumble that included: three ship security guards; two private security guards; one retired Coast Guard officer; one four-striped officer; and one very delusional woman.
• Sailing with down-to-Earth bands, singers and celebrities that treated their fans well.
• Making friends from all over the world.

Bon voyage ship life! You’ve been fun. I will racont your stories in oral and written form, but as for now, you and I must part ways. Like Marc Anthony and J.Lo’s split, ours is an amicable one. Even though in private, like Marc Anthony and J.Lo, we used to beat the shit out of each other and then attempt to make babies while chain-smoking menthol Camels.