And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand

The following are 100 percent real, unedited, text messages. Enjoy!

No Hair Remains

Anonymous: Just a remainder of today’s apt. See you soon 🙂

Mari: Yay! I hope u have extra wax!

Anonymous: Lol

 

Interpreting Silence

 

Anonymous: Did you take hand sanitizer with u? for the potty breaks?

Mari: (No response)

Can’t Keep a Secret

Anonymous: Paneling? Que quiere decir eso?

Mari: Picking. I’m on a panel. From our group they pick 6.

Anonymous: No way!! You are on a jury? When’t the case now?

Mari: I can’t tell you.

–2 minutes later–

Mari: Fuck it. It’s murder!

Anonymous: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mari: Okay but that’s all I can tell u.

Anonymous: Did you tell them you don’t even like Law & Order and you are easily bored and distracted?

Mari: (No response)

Should’ve Put the Patch on my Mouth

Mari: Fucked. 

Mari: 3x fucked.

Mari: Fuck me.

Anonymous: What happened?

Mari: Fucking.angry elf

Mari: Fuck u

Mari: Fuck u and your table

Mari: Fuck.

Anonymous: Fucking hell

Anonymous: Fucktards. Fuckballs, Fuck it all.

Anonymous: Fuck your moms velour track sutis

Anonymous: Fuck her bitchy friend

Anonymous: Fuck you and your hairless dog.

Mari: I love you guys.

Mari: I can’t be left alone. I will buy cigarettes.

Too Much, Too Soon.

Mari: Don’t make me check every urgent care in broward.

Anonymous: Hi, I’m feeling better. I lost my lunch at the Wendy’s close to my house, and started to feel better…weird, that was excruciating..Thanks for your concern.

Mari: It was my bloody lip story wasn’t it?

Anonymous: Te amo

Mari: You are feeling strange and saying delirious things, I’m calling 911 for you.


Asshole Clarification is Not the Same as Anal Bleaching

Mari: Hey. Are You in on Santa’s? On a scale from one to the end of the black eyed peas concert?

Anonymous: Omg craziest day ever. I was helping my friend move into her new apt in downtown and the uhaul truck we were using got towed while we were in the building lol

Anonymous: …so I don’t think I can make it to santas 😦

–Next morning–

Mari: We ended up going! I hope u finally got your uhaul back!

Anonymous: Was it as amazing as we all hoped? Yea we  did eventually, why are all tow truck drivers miserable low lives?

Mari: Ugh. They are assholes. It wasn’t the same without you.

–1 hour later–

Mari: Holy shit! I meant the tow truck drivers are assholes! And Santa’s wasn’t the same without You.

Anonymous: (No response)