My spam is your spam

Times are tough. If you’re unemployed, jobs are scarce. And if you are employed, your job most likely sucks. Which is why I’m sharing this exciting job opportunity. Please forward along to anyone that’s interested in being a stay-at-home-courier:


OEDC inc has sent you the following message to offer you a job position. (Goody! I love job positions!! Wait, what’s a job position?) Your candidacy was chosen by OEDC inc internet recruiting team by your resume. (From Linkedin? Wow. That shit works!)

Overseas Electronic Dispatching Company inc was set in 2003 in Poland and provides service of buying and dispatching of different types of merchandise to European customers. We would be glad to offer you a position of courier clerk. The work is remote and only for people living in United States (Your company is based in Poland, but you need someone from the US to send packages to Europe? Isn’t Poland already in Europe?).

Schedule can be flexible, position can be done from home (or prison), no warehouse needed. Monthly payment is a minimum $1500 with sixty dollar per each package rate, so it can be more, but not less (It sounds like I’m signing up for an American Express platinum card.).

Position requires to be/have (the same requirements to be a decoy on “To Catch a Predator”):
-street type of address
-18 years age at least
-computer with web access, scanner and printer
-to have no criminal records 

Employee has rights to open the parcel to see that there is nothing illegal being shipped (I will remember this the next time I order from the Kitty Kat Emporium.).

We provide and expect your carrier growth from you (Well done.).

We also provide the privileges:
– paid vacation two times per each year (Travel provided if you are able to fit in a DHL box.)
– Apple, Sony and other products as gifts to successful employees after trial period (Just open the boxes and take what you like.)

* You are not required to pay any money to work. (*If I had to pay you, then it wouldn’t be work.)

Please reply at your earliest convenience. (Oh, I will.)

Out of range

I never know how to answer. I feel as if I sell myself short. But it is a funny time. And by funny I don’t mean Ha Ha.

I’m referring to the dreaded salary question. I never know how to answer. Sure, I’ve had the urge to ask for six hundred thousand million dollars in the hopes that they would talk me down to four hundred thousand million trillion, but that is too risky and so not me.

Continue reading “Out of range”

I couldn’t answer

FRIEND ON THE PHONE: What’s your next move?

I filled the silence with a deep, drawn out “ummm” and followed it up with a full sigh.

I couldn’t answer the question. At that moment I felt like I was asked to choose a career and stick with it. Of course, that was not the intention of my friend, she was just being polite. She unknowingly held up a mirror with her question and I was reflecting all my insecurities.

“Uhh, well, I mean, you know, maybe, I can write and..”

Then, she felt like she had to help me out. You know you’re in trouble when a normal conversation turns into Whose Line is it Anyway?

Continue reading “I couldn’t answer”