Don’t look back in anger

This evening, while I carefully uncork the champagne bottle without throwing out my back for the second time in a week, I will reflect not on the year that has just past, but the decade that stomped all over my body.

I will think about what my 35-year-old self would say to my early-twenties self and wonder if it would’ve made a difference or if I would’ve injured my eyeballs from rolling them so hard toward the back of my head.

Thanks Justice Mitchell!

I’ve written a few lines – and just a few because I’m not sure if the past me knew how to read yet – to my younger version. And, yes, I’m fully aware that I am unable to time travel, but maybe, just maybe some twenty-something will stumble across this and roll their eyes so far back into their head that they will end up at an urgent care and miss out on destroying their stomach lining at a New Year’s Eve party. Oh who am I kidding, that kid is still trashed from Halloween.

Anyway, here goes…

Dear twenty-something year old me,

What are you wearing? Muster up the energy to get out of those blue basketball pants with the white stripe down the leg and wear something flattering and stylish. In ten years, your adorable little frame will be unable to contain the bags of fat that dangle from your back and front sides.

Are you not going to eat anything before going out? Seriously, you need to have a meal. Sit down and eat. Now. You can’t leave this house until you eat something. And take Mylanta with you. Oh, and some Tums. You should also take a huge bottle of water with you to keep hydrated. Also, remember to eat afterwards. And an English muffin at Denny’s at 3 a.m. is not a meal! Neither are three french fries from some stranger’s plate.

Being the pioneer of drunk dialing, is not an accolade to be proud of. Do not call your parents, ex girlfriend or long-lost cousin at any point of the night. It seems like a really great idea and even if you plan out the entire conversation, your mouth will not be able to move in a way that can produce audible and intelligible words. You are saying “I love you,” but the person on the other end only hears you say “Fluffy,” over and over again.

You are not a stunt double. You will never be able to break down a door with your shoulder. Even with a running start. There is also no need to show people you can put your ankles behind your head. It turns out you will need that tendon to be strong in the future, you know, to walk up the stairs. So, stop hyper-stretching it.

And finally, be a nice person. Here come the eye-rolls. I’m serious. Spend more time being a nice person to others and yourself. It will ease a lot of the regret you’ll carry around later.

Oh and good luck getting out of that bill from Columbia House. You don’t even own CD’s anymore.

Love always,

The older me.

P.S. Thanks for all the memories I can’t remember.

Resolution

In many ways, the month of January reminds me of the first day of 4th grade, when my teacher, Mrs. Mir, stood in front of the class and informed us that we all had A’s and that it was up to us to keep it that way. The entire class ended up getting an A, but only because Mrs. Mir broke her hip and none of the 9 substitute teachers that cycled through the year ever recorded a single grade.

Every year, I start off with that same feeling of hope and determination to accomplish whatever stupid goal I’ve made my New Year’s resolution. But, half way through, I either lose steam or conveniently forget what my goal was. The truth is none of my accomplishments have been as a result of a New Year’s resolution. None. But, I also don’t want to be that guy that replies in the negative when someone asks me about my resolution. So, I’ve resolved to come up with a fake resolution. And, because it’s fake, I can be as ambitious as I want.

Here are a few New Year’s Resolutions I’ve come up with:

  1. To gain three times my body weight in the hopes to become a break-out reality star on ‘The Biggest Loser,’ and have Jillian Michaels fall in love with me only to dump her in a horrible fight in the middle of the gym that will conveniently be caught on camera.
  2. In order to expand my social life and add a little fun to my daily routine, I will teach my vagina to smoke. That way, I can be invited to more parties and meet new people.
  3. Volunteer at my neighborhood strip club and help the exotic dancers with their homework.
  4. Start a campaign to recruit more women to become lesbians by doing some serious outreach in colleges, churches, and establishments that sell smoothies.

That’s all I have so far. Feel free to join in on the fake fun in the comment section below.

Farcebook

Late last year I came up with a list of random and inappropriate messages to post on the Facebook walls of my unsuspecting friends. At the time I had exactly 365 friends, and because I was in need of a resolution for the New Year, I decided to make it the challenge for 2012 to post one message on one wall every single day.

These are a few of the actual messages:

There was one message that was deleted before I could take a screen shot:

“Hey, I just did the math and the bill came out to $32.84. Let me know when you want to get together so you can pay me back. ”

I could see how that would make someone uncomfortable. I’m glad I didn’t use “Thanks for the herpes!” Surely that would have been grounds for unfriendment.

Like with all of my resolutions, I gave up halfway through January. I think it was last year when I challenged myself not to eat at a restaurant that was part of a chain, but before the month was out I chowing down on a Grand Slam. And the year before that I swore off drinking, but when that didn’t work I amended my resolution and swore off drinking whiskey (which I don’t like anyway).

Needless to say, I didn’t really have high expectations to complete my 2012 challenge.

Today, while looking for a file on my computer, I came across that list I compiled late last year and it made me want to pick up where I left off. The thought of punking someone everyday made me giddy.

But, alas, I’m too lazy.

If you, however, are slightly more motivated and have a similarly twisted sense of humor – and have an axe to grind with people who send you invitations to milk their cows, join their high school feed, answer quizzes, add their calendar, kill Kony, or poke them back – you may be interested in taking over my challenge.

There are only 297 days/posts left in the year, so get to it. Here’s an excerpt of that list to get you started:

  1. Thanks for the herpes!
  2. Hello!/Hello?/Hello??/Are you not speaking to me?/Fine./I hated you anyway.
  3. Did you hear? Prince died.
  4. Hey, I just hung up with the lady from that job. I told her you were great and that I wouldn’t even accept the $100 you offered to give me to say so.
  5. Do you still chew on your toenails?
  6. Congratulations! I heard your surgery was a success.
  7. Were you at La Estancia Motel today? I could’ve sworn I saw your car in the parking lot.
  8. You should be proud of who you are. Don’t be ashamed to let everyone know you’re Mexican.
  9. Let me know if you need help posting bail.
  10. Did you brush your teeth?
  11. Shake it Sh Sh Sh Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture. Now.
  12. I can’t believe you’re getting a face tattoo!! So excited!!
  13. Tune into To Catch a Predator tonight on MSNBC! Wait until you see who they caught!
  14. That rash better not be what I think it is!
  15. Hey, I can’t make it tonight. I have to buy a pregnancy test.
  16. I saw you on the Palmetto this morning! I honked and everything. But you were picking your nose so hard you didn’t notice.