Don’t look back in anger

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This evening, while I carefully uncork the champagne bottle without throwing out my back for the second time in a week, I will reflect not on the year that has just past, but the decade that stomped all over my body.

I will think about what my 35-year-old self would say to my early-twenties self and wonder if it would’ve made a difference or if I would’ve injured my eyeballs from rolling them so hard toward the back of my head.

Thanks Justice Mitchell!

I’ve written a few lines – and just a few because I’m not sure if the past me knew how to read yet – to my younger version. And, yes, I’m fully aware that I am unable to time travel, but maybe, just maybe some twenty-something will stumble across this and roll their eyes so far back into their head that they will end up at an urgent care and miss out on destroying their stomach lining at a New Year’s Eve party. Oh who am I kidding, that kid is still trashed from Halloween.

Anyway, here goes…

Dear twenty-something year old me,

What are you wearing? Muster up the energy to get out of those blue basketball pants with the white stripe down the leg and wear something flattering and stylish. In ten years, your adorable little frame will be unable to contain the bags of fat that dangle from your back and front sides.

Are you not going to eat anything before going out? Seriously, you need to have a meal. Sit down and eat. Now. You can’t leave this house until you eat something. And take Mylanta with you. Oh, and some Tums. You should also take a huge bottle of water with you to keep hydrated. Also, remember to eat afterwards. And an English muffin at Denny’s at 3 a.m. is not a meal! Neither are three french fries from some stranger’s plate.

Being the pioneer of drunk dialing, is not an accolade to be proud of. Do not call your parents, ex girlfriend or long-lost cousin at any point of the night. It seems like a really great idea and even if you plan out the entire conversation, your mouth will not be able to move in a way that can produce audible and intelligible words. You are saying “I love you,” but the person on the other end only hears you say “Fluffy,” over and over again.

You are not a stunt double. You will never be able to break down a door with your shoulder. Even with a running start. There is also no need to show people you can put your ankles behind your head. It turns out you will need that tendon to be strong in the future, you know, to walk up the stairs. So, stop hyper-stretching it.

And finally, be a nice person. Here come the eye-rolls. I’m serious. Spend more time being a nice person to others and yourself. It will ease a lot of the regret you’ll carry around later.

Oh and good luck getting out of that bill from Columbia House. You don’t even own CD’s anymore.

Love always,

The older me.

P.S. Thanks for all the memories I can’t remember.

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