Breaking all the rules

As I mentioned before, I’ve developed a habit of carrying around a pocket-sized notebook. This habit became more pronounced when I quit smoking. In essence, the notebook replaced my flip-top box of Parliaments and instead of lighting the paper with fire, I scribble ferociously into the tiny pages with poor penmanship that is highlighted in cheap blue ink.

Here are a few more observations extracted from the scribbles:

On Healthcare:

Medical professionals must desist from making small talk while touching your private parts.

If you made a habit of collecting club wristbands in your 20’s, you will inevitably collect hospital bands in your 30’s.

Medical marijuana may help with chronic pain, but it is not the proper remedy for writer’s block. Sure, it will ignite your inspiration, but when you sit down to write you will immediately forget what you wanted to say.

On following rules:

Old people refuse to follow any rules.They are the honey badgers of the human race.

If a musician or DJ has to give you instructions on how to participate in their performance (e.g. put your hands up, clap your hands, jump) they don’t deserve to be on the stage.

On what not to say in a meeting:

Unless you work in the food industry, you should never use the phrase, “We got a lot of meat here.”

It is also not wise to yell, “I got it up, what do you need?”

On Jewelry:

By wearing a ring on his pinky, a man is letting you know that as soon as you turn around, he will stare at your ass.

By wearing a ring on his middle finger, a man is illustrating his penchant for gay sex.

By wearing a ring on her pointer/index finger, a woman is indicating her desire to lose it inside your wife’s vagina.

Bump it

Yesterday morning, while contemplating the state of my affairs, I received a knock at the door. It came from an old man with large, light blue eyes. Not a complete stranger, this old man is the father of my neighbor. I opened the door to a new mess, the news about his cousin, his older, 80-year-old cousin, had accidentally backed his truck into my parked car.

Allegedly.

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Beach bums

A beautiful morning in Miami can only mean that it is an even more beautiful day in Miami Beach. I decided to cash in on my grandmother’s open invitation for a morning swim and lunch.

My grandmother has lived on Miami Beach for twenty years. And I had the wonderful opportunity to spend endless weekends, holidays and every random and odd occasion of my childhood/adolescence in this condo.

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