Breaking all the rules

As I mentioned before, I’ve developed a habit of carrying around a pocket-sized notebook. This habit became more pronounced when I quit smoking. In essence, the notebook replaced my flip-top box of Parliaments and instead of lighting the paper with fire, I scribble ferociously into the tiny pages with poor penmanship that is highlighted in cheap blue ink.

Here are a few more observations extracted from the scribbles:

On Healthcare:

Medical professionals must desist from making small talk while touching your private parts.

If you made a habit of collecting club wristbands in your 20’s, you will inevitably collect hospital bands in your 30’s.

Medical marijuana may help with chronic pain, but it is not the proper remedy for writer’s block. Sure, it will ignite your inspiration, but when you sit down to write you will immediately forget what you wanted to say.

On following rules:

Old people refuse to follow any rules.They are the honey badgers of the human race.

If a musician or DJ has to give you instructions on how to participate in their performance (e.g. put your hands up, clap your hands, jump) they don’t deserve to be on the stage.

On what not to say in a meeting:

Unless you work in the food industry, you should never use the phrase, “We got a lot of meat here.”

It is also not wise to yell, “I got it up, what do you need?”

On Jewelry:

By wearing a ring on his pinky, a man is letting you know that as soon as you turn around, he will stare at your ass.

By wearing a ring on his middle finger, a man is illustrating his penchant for gay sex.

By wearing a ring on her pointer/index finger, a woman is indicating her desire to lose it inside your wife’s vagina.

Everybody wants to rule the world

For some time now, I’ve made a habit of carrying around a pocket-sized notebook. Within its pages, I scribble random thoughts in incomplete sentences. Sometimes when I’m eavesdropping on people, I transcribe their conversation. Other times, I simply write about my daily observations in the form of rules to live by and theories to experiment on, such as:

1. Distrust users of the word synergy, and all of its variations.

www.funnyloves.com
http://www.funnyloves.com

2. Wearing credentials at an event tells the world you are important, unless it reads “Visitor.”

visitor-pass

3. Humane Society volunteers are more noble than public school teachers.

www.honestpracticum.com
http://www.honestpracticum.com

4. If you’re juicing, fasting and/or cleansing, make plans to go out to dinner with your friends to feel better about yourself.

www.someecards.com
http://www.someecards.com

5. Basic personal space costs serious amounts of money.

www.huffpost.com
http://www.huffpost.com

6. Billy Joel inspires grown-ups to drink and dance who otherwise don’t. That’s why the tickets are so expensive.

7. Clapping in rhythm is a simple activity most people take for granted.

Reaction GIF: clapping, excited, happy, Joel McHale, Community

8. Brunch is a great way to pay too much for shitty eggs.

www.someecards.com
http://www.someecards.com

9. Hindu iconography will add depth and meaning to your interior decor.

www.etsy.com
http://www.etsy.com

10. The correct response to everything that lady says is, “That’s so interesting.”

www.quickmeme.com
http://www.quickmeme.com

Blank is like blank: Highlighters and ugly people

Highlighters and ugly people have very many things in common. For instance, they both stand out. Also, they, at times, have a slight odor. They both have a hard time fitting in with others and are only used when someone absolutely needs something. It is also frowned upon  to make love to either. In the wrong kind of light, they can hurt your eyes. And as more time passes, the noise they make becomes more and more unbearable.

 

highlighter-yellow Ann_Coulter2