Suburban dictionary

I love words. Well, some words.

I’m selective.

For instance, I don’t like the words “pretty” and “much.” Especially when they are put together: “I’m pretty much finished.” Ugh. Makes me want to bite the person in the inner thigh. “I pretty much bit you.”

On the other hand, I like the words “insatiable” and “actually.” Especially when they are put together, in any order. Mmm. Makes me want to bite the person in the inner thigh. In a good way.

But, the words I truly love are made-up ones. Particularly the words defined by Urban Dictionary.

Here’s a sampling of my favorites:

Asshat: One who has their head up their ass. Thus wearing their ass as a hat.

Brosama Bin Ladin: A best friend that you never see. He’s always hiding or just at home.

Cyberchondriac: Someone who spends their time searching medical websites for diseases they convince themselves they actually have.

Deja Brew: Much like deja vu, dejabrew is when you start to remember things you did last night while drinking an excessive amount of beer.

Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party during an election year.

Fauxpology: When a person makes it sound like they are apologizing when, in fact, they are just shifting the blame or using twisted logic to argue their way out of responsibility for their actions.

Go Primitive: Instead of keyboarding or texting a long and detailed story someone suggests a phone call as a more direct way to have the conversation.

Hobosexual: Adjective. The opposite of metrosexual; one who cares little for one’s own appearance.

Immaculate Congestion: When traffic is backed up for miles on a highway, crawling along — and then suddenly everyone returns to normal high speeds without passing an accident, stalled car, or road construction.

Ju Ba Chee: A junior bacon cheeseburger from Wendy’s.

Killing Two Pigs with One Bird: A modern version of the popular saying “killing two birds with one stone.” derived from the popular video game “angry birds.”

LOL Theory: The theory that the internet phrase lol meaning “laugh out loud”, can be placed at any part in any sentence and make said sentence lose all credibilty and seriousness.

Masturdating: Going out alone.Seeing a movie by yourself, going to a restaurant alone.

Net Lag: A feeling like jetlag that happens after you use your computer after sunset and the bright backlight tricks your body into thinking it’s still daytime.

Onion Booty: Booty that looks so good, it makes grown man want to cry.

Postmodern Depression: The feeling you get when you haven’t had access to the internet for a long time, like several minutes.

Qi: A short word commonly used in Scrabble to piss of another person. More often than not, it plays off of an I that lays next to a triple letter score, scoring an absurd amount of points for such a small amount of effort.

Recrap: To sum up a discussion composed largely of useless bullshit.

Sexercism: Having sex with someone new to get over someone old. A way to cut any last emotional ties to a person you used to have sex with. A non-religious, therapeutic exercise.

Textpectation: The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.

Underboob: Cleavage visible from the part of the shirt that covers the bottom of the female breasts.

Vegi-curious: One who is considering the vegetarian lifestyle, but has yet to make a committment to it.

Wikidemia: An academic work passed off as scholarly yet researched entirely on Wikipedia.

Yellular: The loudness one adopts in response to a bad cell-phone connection, in the misguided hope that talking louder will improve the connection.

ZZ Bottom: A noun describing a woman’s particularly long and beard-like pubic area.

Thank you UrbanDictionary, you make me fall in love with the English language with every click.