My day as a turkey

About three months ago, I learned about the sub-culture of Furry Fandom and have not stopped talking about it – especially to my softball teammates. We’ve even adopted “Do it for the furries!” as our rally cry when we’re up to bat. After one of our games (losses), we went around the happy-hour-table and discussed what kind of furry we would be, if we were to engage in “furry play.”  There were a few variations of tigers and bears, but when the right fielder proclaimed to be a Telletubby with a little too much enthusiasm, we all grew suspicious. He denied really being a furry, but then he never came to another game, so I couldn’t exactly ask him any follow-up questions. In his honor, I thought it would be a fantastic idea to get my hands on some sort of animal costume for the play-off game. And this is how it all went down:

Google search:

Google result:

Transcript of phone conversation:

DIXON

Dixon Costumes, good afternoon.

MARI

Hi, do you have a turkey costume?

DIXON

We do! We do!

MARI

Awesome!

DIXON

Are you short?

MARI

I am! I am!

DIXON

We’re open until 6.

MARI

Perfect.

This was the preamble to my day as a turkey. I thought I’d get my money’s worth by wearing it all day at work, seeming that we had our departmental Thanksgiving luncheon that same day. I figured it would be like the time I showed up to a friend’s baby shower in a maternity dress stuffed with pillows and claiming that the party was indeed in my honor.

So, the next morning I waddled into work in full beakage and observed as coworkers gasped in a mix of surprise, confusion, joy and more confusion. I kept a detailed journal of the comments made to me throughout the day, hoping it would expand my understanding of the human condition and maybe a little insight into the appeal of furry-ism.

Here are some of the best exchanges:

IN THE ELEVATOR

Why are you dressed like a chicken?

MARI

I’m a turkey.

IN THE ELEVATOR

Oh.

IN THE CAFETERIA

Are you going to eat yourself?

MARI

I’m really not a turkey.

IN THE CAFETERIA

Oh.

IN A MEETING

Are we doing business with Chick-Fil-A?

MARI

I’m a turkey.

IN A MEETING

Oh.

IN THE HALLWAY

Oh, a turkey! I thought you were an Angry Bird.

MARI

I’m an Angry Turkey, actually.

IN THE HALLWAY

Oh.

IN THE BATHROOM

Is there an event happening today?

MARI

It’s Hallow-giving. It’s the day people dress up as turkeys and ask for candy. Haven’t you heard of it?

IN THE BATHROOM

No.

MARI

Oh.

AT MY DESK

Really, tell me, why are you dressed like a turkey?

MARI

Lots of departments are having their Thanksgiving pot-luck luncheons, and this is the best way to get invited to all of them.

AT MY DESK

Oh. That’s genius.

Results from my findings:

1. Generally, people enjoy costumes. But Furry Fandom is still weird.

2. Human beings need to know the “why” of absurd things.

3. The more you don’t explain something, the more they want to know.

4. People will take anything as an answer – as long as you answer.

After a day of social experimenting at the office, I was ready to let loose on the softball field.

But, about an hour before game time I received an urgent note from the coach:

Team, please be advised that due to lack of player this evening we will not be playing. The game is going to be forfeited on our part. I apologize, however these things happen as people have schedules and unexpected circumstances. 

I couldn’t believe it. I was devastated. I had bought a turkey costume, for Christ’s sake. What was that bullshit of “schedules and unexpected circumstances” really about? So, I did a little Google research:

There was a furry meet-up on the same night as our softball game. Apparently, my teammates are a bunch of fur-verts and I’m the turkey that didn’t catch on.