In many ways, the month of January reminds me of the first day of 4th grade, when my teacher, Mrs. Mir, stood in front of the class and informed us that we all had A’s and that it was up to us to keep it that way. The entire class ended up getting an A, but only because Mrs. Mir broke her hip and none of the 9 substitute teachers that cycled through the year ever recorded a single grade.
Every year, I start off with that same feeling of hope and determination to accomplish whatever stupid goal I’ve made my New Year’s resolution. But, half way through, I either lose steam or conveniently forget what my goal was. The truth is none of my accomplishments have been as a result of a New Year’s resolution. None. But, I also don’t want to be that guy that replies in the negative when someone asks me about my resolution. So, I’ve resolved to come up with a fake resolution. And, because it’s fake, I can be as ambitious as I want.
Here are a few New Year’s Resolutions I’ve come up with:
- To gain three times my body weight in the hopes to become a break-out reality star on ‘The Biggest Loser,’ and have Jillian Michaels fall in love with me only to dump her in a horrible fight in the middle of the gym that will conveniently be caught on camera.
- In order to expand my social life and add a little fun to my daily routine, I will teach my vagina to smoke. That way, I can be invited to more parties and meet new people.
- Volunteer at my neighborhood strip club and help the exotic dancers with their homework.
- Start a campaign to recruit more women to become lesbians by doing some serious outreach in colleges, churches, and establishments that sell smoothies.
That’s all I have so far. Feel free to join in on the fake fun in the comment section below.