Week 4 of the #WorldCup: The Final Countdown

On the fourth week of the 2014 FIFA World Cup, we had broken backs, we had broken hearts and were broke from all of the money we lost in the office pool.

Here are the only five things you need to know about this past week in Fußball:

1. In six minutes…

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2. Breaking records doesn’t make you popular

T.-Muller-e1402993523251

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Helmets are for the weak

I’m fine…I’m fine…I’m not fine.

 

4. Anuses are meant to be torn

Javier Mascherano, the same player that continued the game with an apparent concussion also suffered a torn anus, making him the Mr. Bean of the World Cup.

 

5. Speaking of torn anuses

130323140221-pope-francis-and-benedict-pray-story-top

 

 

 

 

 

 

The 2014 FIFA World Cup Final will be played in Vatican City. May the best pope win.

Week 3 of the #WorldCup: I’m never going to dance again

The 2014 FIFA World Cup turned 3 weeks old, and while no one was bit this week, I feel like I’ve been chewed up and spat out by each and every one of my favorite teams.

Here’s a recap of my un-favorite things this week:

1. U.S.A. 

The red, white and blue lost to Belgium 1-2, mainly because we only had one person on our team, which happened to be Secretary of Defense, Tim Howard.

From cnn.com
From cnn.com

 

2. Mexico

Sadly, El Tri also lost 1-2 to the Netherlands. It was a long shot. I mean, they were playing against a team that is arguably the undeclared World Cup champion, as well as paid-off referees and a racist Dutch airline.

From ibtimes.com
From ibtimes.com

 

3. Chile

After 120 minutes of play that rendered Brazil and Chile tied at 1-1, a series of cruel and agonizing penalty kicks gave the win to the host country, and ripped La Roja‘s position as “Most Unlikely to Succeed,” (a position now solely held by Costa Rica).

From Brazil-Soccer.Reuters.com
From brazil-soccer.reuters.com

 

4. Colombia

And, as if it wasn’t enough to crush one Cinderella story, Brazil bitch-slapped Snow White in a resounding defeat of Colombia, 1-2. Sadly, Los Cafeteros are never going to dance again…at least not in this World Cup.

 

Missed last week?

 

Week 2 of the #WorldCup: Losers are Winners

The 2014 FIFA World Cup is now two weeks old, but I’m no where nearer to being an expert. As a matter of fact, the only team I was certain would advance was embarrassingly sent home with a bitten player. So, again, the only thing I know about this sport is that I know nothing.

Here’s a recap of my favorite things this week:

1. Biters

I mean, seriously. Why even bite around the bush? The biggest story this week was that an Uruguayan player came out as a vampire.

 

Maybe Luis Suarez was as distraught as I was that Italy bit the dust. At which point, I can’t blame him.

italy

 

2. Tears

There was a poignant moment in the Colombia vs. Japan game when the replacement goalie came on the field to become the oldest player in World Cup history, but more importantly, to redeem himself after a heartbreaking loss in the 90’s.

 

3. Dumped

Half of Europe is on a plane home, and the other half is on their way to Brazil.

Courtesy of The Independent.
Courtesy of The Independent.

Although Spain, England, Portugal, and Italy have all been eliminated, their fans can temporarily cheer for Greece. That’s right, the Ivory Coast lost to Greece after a successful penalty kick in the dying minutes of their match. All because of a “foul” called on this play:

At least they are lucky.

 

4. Love/Hate

Cristiano Ronaldo taketh and giveth World Cup hopes. His fancy haircut scored a goal that secured the United States’ spot in the knock-out round.

 

5. This week’s winner is…

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Despite the rhetoric of failing forward or losing to win, what this team has been able to accomplish is pretty impressive, against very daunting odds.

 

Read last week’s recap here.