Week 4 of the #WorldCup: The Final Countdown

On the fourth week of the 2014 FIFA World Cup, we had broken backs, we had broken hearts and were broke from all of the money we lost in the office pool.

Here are the only five things you need to know about this past week in Fußball:

1. In six minutes…

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2. Breaking records doesn’t make you popular

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3. Helmets are for the weak

I’m fine…I’m fine…I’m not fine.

 

4. Anuses are meant to be torn

Javier Mascherano, the same player that continued the game with an apparent concussion also suffered a torn anus, making him the Mr. Bean of the World Cup.

 

5. Speaking of torn anuses

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The 2014 FIFA World Cup Final will be played in Vatican City. May the best pope win.

Week 2 of the #WorldCup: Losers are Winners

The 2014 FIFA World Cup is now two weeks old, but I’m no where nearer to being an expert. As a matter of fact, the only team I was certain would advance was embarrassingly sent home with a bitten player. So, again, the only thing I know about this sport is that I know nothing.

Here’s a recap of my favorite things this week:

1. Biters

I mean, seriously. Why even bite around the bush? The biggest story this week was that an Uruguayan player came out as a vampire.

 

Maybe Luis Suarez was as distraught as I was that Italy bit the dust. At which point, I can’t blame him.

italy

 

2. Tears

There was a poignant moment in the Colombia vs. Japan game when the replacement goalie came on the field to become the oldest player in World Cup history, but more importantly, to redeem himself after a heartbreaking loss in the 90’s.

 

3. Dumped

Half of Europe is on a plane home, and the other half is on their way to Brazil.

Courtesy of The Independent.
Courtesy of The Independent.

Although Spain, England, Portugal, and Italy have all been eliminated, their fans can temporarily cheer for Greece. That’s right, the Ivory Coast lost to Greece after a successful penalty kick in the dying minutes of their match. All because of a “foul” called on this play:

At least they are lucky.

 

4. Love/Hate

Cristiano Ronaldo taketh and giveth World Cup hopes. His fancy haircut scored a goal that secured the United States’ spot in the knock-out round.

 

5. This week’s winner is…

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Despite the rhetoric of failing forward or losing to win, what this team has been able to accomplish is pretty impressive, against very daunting odds.

 

Read last week’s recap here.

Week one, weak one: #WorldCup Recap

The 2014 FIFA World Cup is one week old. I’m not going to pretend to give you any type of prediction or analysis, as I’m embarrassingly ignorant about those things. I can’t even tell you with any ounce of certainty what constitutes offsides or the specific reasons why the yellow card is drawn. But what I do know, and what I love most about futbol, is that (1.) what goes on off the field is equally exciting as to what is happening on the field; (2.) Spanish-language coverage is far more exciting and way more accurate than in English; and (3.) dynasties do not exist.

Here’s a recap of my favorite things this week:

1. Production issues

Jennifer Lopez said she would not perform at said opening.

Screen shot 2014-06-12 at 9.50.28 PM

 

 

 

Then, Jennifer Lopez said she would perform at said opening.

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At the opening, Jennifer Lopez’s platform refused to perform.

Screen shot 2014-06-12 at 9.55.21 PM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Peace be with you 

The pope had a message for everyone:

 

 

But especially for Portugal:

 

Nice guy.

 

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Even nicer guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Lost in translation 

Brazil won the opening game 3-1 against Croatia. And, that one goal against them was accidentally made by someone on their own team. But, someone at Channel 10 thought it was a close game:

 

4. The weakest link

Spain. That’s all.

 

5. This week’s winner is…

Without a doubt, Shakira’s team is the winner of the first week of the FIFA 2014 World Cup. Their fancy footwork before and after every goal is something that you can’t help but love.